It's not you--It's her personality
My new mantra.
Those of you who know me well, and actually those of you who don't, probably know that I have suffered from mental illness more times than I would like to count (or admit). Ironic isn't it? I know what you're all thinking. To my credit, though, I married him way before he turned into a Shrink. I digress...
I've been suffering from Depression for almost 2 years straight now, with few breaks in the clouds. In trying to determine why I'm so screwed up (my words), I was asked (by my psychiatrist) to think of exactly what I was doing when I most recently crashed. Long story short: I was rejected by my daughter. Apparently I have some old war wounds that haven't quite healed. When Abbie rejects me (treats me like crap, chooses somebody else over me, refuses to say goodnight or hello or I love you even though she'll say it to Alan, etc.) it's like kicking me in the same knee that was repeatedly kicked in my past.
When I think about her actions, my gut (and my head) say that she doesn't like me, she doesn't love me, she does these things to make me feel horrible and guilty. When the fog clears, though, I know that she's a strong-willed, opinionated, stubborn, independent 3 year old. She's only 3. When she's older, those traits will make her an amazing woman--They're just a little bit hard to handle right now.
Hence, my new mantra. Abbie and I will clash, but if I can remember that she's not doing things to be mean, I will hopefully learn to not take things personally. She's not rejecting me when she wants to ride in somebody else's car; she just wants some adventure. When she refuses to tell me goodnight or let me give her a kiss, it's not because she's trying to make me feel bad (break my heart!)--She's just a punk sometimes. The sooner I can get this in my head AND in my heart, the sooner Abbie and I can get along. I need to let her ride her own wave through life, guiding her and keeping her safe (when I can), but realizing that her wave may be, no IS, very different from mine. Hopefully then, my skin will be thicker, my wounds not so fresh, and my ability to prevent myself from crashing better.
I write this on my (public) blog for 2 reasons:
1. I now have a permanant record of this--A place I can find my footing when she kicks me off the path.
2. The ONLY reason I can come up with for this horrendous suffering--That my experience might help someone else through their trials and might make it a little bit less painful for others.
It's not you--It's her personality.
She's not rejecting you--It's her personality.
She's only 3.
Wow. Thanks for sharing this. I've often wondered why I let toddlers totally control my mood. When I sit back and think about the situation, it seems ridiculous. But in the moment, I get so worked up. So in a very small way, maybe I can feel what you're feeling.
ReplyDeleteI like your mantra. I'll have to apply that my own life!
You're brave and the most rational person with depression I've ever known.
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine what kind of woman Abbie is going to turn into... a strong, happy little spitfire not afraid to speak her mind or say what she wants. She sounds fabulous!
Yes, that is right. At her age, one of her jobs is to start down that road to independence. The way that she does that is by trying to exert control whenever she possibly can. Little things that seem insignificant to you and to me are big deals to a 3-yr-old who wants to show that she is in control.
ReplyDeleteOne other way to deal with it is to laugh at it internally because some times that is the only way to get through these infuriating episodes.