Freaking People Out

(See comments from previous post) Yes, the poem is terrifying. Yes, it's scary. That's the point--Depression is a terrifying nightmare. All hope, energy, life is sucked from you like a freaking Dyson vacuum. I just wanted to give an honest perspective of what it's really like. I won't apologize for that--I believe that the more that people know, the better they'll understand.

Suffering from Depression

An insightful poem about what it really feels like to be severely, clinically depressed. A smiling face, that's all they see They just don't know what's really me Like a trophy on a pedestal placed What would they say if "me" escaped? I try so hard to get out of bed Why can't I just get out of my head I scream, I cry, I pray and pray God please help me to run away So together, they hear me laugh If only they knew my darker half Deep enough that no light seeps In the ocean I sink and weep My mind is racing, thoughts go round and round Here I go, falling so far down My heart is beating faster than it should I cannot stop it, though I wish I could I hear him saying go away I don't want to see you today I feel my candle burning low I never imagined his love would go I hear her crying, not again I know I should put down my pen What would happen if I let things go I still don't think that they would know I'm in a car, it's going to crash Am I driving from my past Into the wall I hope to go Then at least they would know Into space I will fly I have no more me left to try

I am not alone

For the past few days, I have been having a pretty difficult time. It's not just the depression, but another issue that has been plaguing me. I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to read my Patriarchal Blessing. Unfortunately, I couldn't find it. I searched the drawer that I "knew" it was in over and over again. Alan and I tore the house apart. I was devastated because I needed it. After watching the first half of LOTR 2 last night, I came upstairs to get ready for bed. I felt prompted to check the drawer one more time, even though I had already been through it like 10 times. Well, I found my blessing. It is on white paper and was flush against the back of the drawer, kind of hidden. I read it and it really was exactly what I needed. It answered my questions and helped me know how to proceed. I am so grateful for the Spirit in my life. I shutter to think of where my life would be without him.

Be Patient

Hi folks--I'm sorry I've been away so long. I really did mean to post here. Unfortunately, I am suffering from an episode of Major Depression. I'm tired and grouchy. The number one thing that I do during my depression is to isolate myself. I don't answer the door, don't answer (or turn off) my phone, don't reply to messages, etc. I am not going to apologize for my behavior because I'm depressed--I can't really help it. I'll be back on sometime this week. Thanks for reading and for being my friends.

Private?

For reasons that I will not go into, I am thinking of making this blog private. I really wanted it to be public--The goal was to help ALL moms see that it's not all peachy. Unfortunately, some people have started to gossip and, oh wait, I wasn't going to go there. Should I go private? Please leave a comment with your opinion. Thanks.

It's been a while

Sorry, folks. I haven't written anything in a while. I haven't been taking pictures enough lately, so I don't have much to show for my days. We did get our new windows installed and they are awesome. I'll have to take some pictures soon. I've been spending all my days with friends--I'm so blessed to have amazing friends who take care of me and don't get sick of me (at least they say they don't!). We're surviving and would love to see other friends who we haven't seen in a while. Please call! I'll post again when I have the energy--I'm drained!