Motivation...Procrastination

I've been thinking a lot recently about purpose. Mainly, what is my purpose here? Sometimes (right now) I feel like I'm just floundering around, not really getting anywhere. I guess that I've always been a goal-oriented person. I function well under pressure. I thrived in college where there were tests and deadlines, etc. Being a nurse was good too because, well, babies come when babies come! Shifts start and end at a set time. But this mothering and homemaking thing is hard! Everything is so open-ended. The days and nights (and then days again) blend into each other. Heck, the weeks and months blend into each other. So I guess I'm struggling to figure out how to motivate myself to do everything that I need/want to do when there's no real deadline. (Yes, I realize that this screams procrastinator.) My house will be shiny clean if we are having company over for dinner, but during the week when it's just Nate and Abbie and me at home--Pff! How do I fill my day with meaningful activities? What do I fill my day with? How do I make myself do these things when I don't technically "have to?"

Ramblings of the queen of procrastination. In college, I used to drive my roommate (and fellow nursing student) insane because I wouldn't study for tests until 4AM the morning of the test. I wouldn't start papers until 9PM the night before and then I would quit at 11, only to get up at 4 or 5 to finish. I struggle to do things when they don't absolutely have to be done. I know that this is not a good habit, but it's how I function. I wonder how I can learn to live this lifestyle around that lifestyle....

Wandering Abbie

Abbie has a habit of getting out of her seat during mealtimes to wander around the house. I'm not sure why she does it, but she just can't seem to sit still while she eats. Tonight I finally strapped her into her booster seat at dinner. A for effort, Mom. A+ for effort, Abbie.

There

40 pounds lost. 41 actually. I'm so glad that it's still coming off. I got new glasses and contacts as a reward for hitting that milestone.

Too Ironic

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...
stay....

Katy Perry. I'm laughing out loud. I swear I don't go looking for these!

Ra, at least you'll get it right (my insanity and the irony)? Oh yeah, and this is totally TEAM EDWARD. Suck it, sister.

Kindergarten Concert

Yesterday afternoon, Nate's kindergarten class had a music concert. Here is some video from the last song that they performed. You can tell it's the last song because they NEVER stop moving. Wiggle wiggle wiggle! I was very impressed with their performance. They memorized a lot of lyrics and the kazoo playing was fantastic. :) Yeah, Nate!

It's Time

After a while of not posting about it, it may appear that my Twilight addiction has finally begun to fade. Appear would be the key word in that sentence. Mwa-ha-ha. I have finally accepted it for what it is, though. I no longer regard this as an obsession. I am beyond that. This is an addiction. I asked Alan if he thought that I needed addiction counseling, but he insists that since the addiction is not having negative consequences in my life, I'm okay. I saw a t-shirt the other day that said, "Please feed me. My mom is reading Twilight again." Maybe we should ask Abbie and Nate about those negative consequences...

I've been trying to keep my Twi-thoughts to myself because I realize that I am definitely the most obsessed person that I know. In my honesty in motherhood post, I talked about screening what I write on my blog, but everybody said to just write whatever I want. So really, it's your fault that Twilight is reemerging here. I warned you...

I have never in my life been this obsessed with something. Seriously. Twilight permeates almost every thought that I have. It's completely ridiculous, actually. Here's a little insight into my madness--Today, I dropped our exersaucer off at a friend's house for her son to borrow. They live in Eagle Heights near Lake Mendota. It was a cloudy day and as I drove around the back by the lake, all I could think of was Bella cliff diving in La Push. Every single song I hear on the radio reminds me of Twilight.

Beyonce's Halo--JACOB!:

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out
Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night

Kelly Clarkson's My Life Would Suck Without You--Edward and Bella-New Moon:

Guess this means you're sorry
You're standing at my door
Guess this means you take back
All you said before
Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
Said you'd never come back
But here you are again
Cuz we belong together now, yea
Forever united here somehow, yea
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

Being with you is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn't miss you,
But I can't let you go,

Jason Mraz's Lucky--Isle Esme-Breaking Dawn:

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see

I think you get the picture. It's not just the little things. Our neighbor is a single dad from Oregon (Pacific NW, like Twilight), whose daughter goes to kindergarten with Nate. I had a dream that he was a vampire and now I can't quite talk to him the same. When it rains, I think it's a good day for Edward. The other day we were at the pharmacy drivethru at Walgreens and Alan said (in a very melodramatic voice), "Jacob is in the car next to us." I tried to tell him not to egg me on (see right there--I think about Bella craving eggs in Breaking Dawn) and to quit supporting my addiction. But he was emphatic that Jacob was in the backseat of the car next to us. Finally, I looked. There was this massive wolf-dog. Even my family feeds the obsession.

Okay. The first step is acknowledging that you have a problem, right? How's having read Twilight 12 times? New Moon 8 times? Eclipse 5 and Breaking Dawn 4? I told you it was bad. Really bad. The good news is that the new prophylactic medication that I started for my migraines is also very effective for alcohol addiction. I'm hoping it is just effective for addictions in general...

Some ridiculous youtube videos...

Lucky

There's a new song out by Jason Mraz, featuring Colbie Caillat, called "Lucky." (Alan found it!) I love it. It makes me smile that smile that leaves your face hurting. I won't get all gushy, but I will say that it just makes me think of Alan and me. That's all--It's just us.


Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday



*Hey Diana, can you get this one for your wedding reception? It's good for dancing!
*In the spirit of honesty and not painting false pictures, I will disclose that sometimes Alan stays up until ridiculous hours playing computer games and it makes me want to throw a brick at his head. (Is that better?) :)

P.S.

I need to write a little something extra after my post from last night. First, thank you to all who have already commented. I guess people really do read my blog! :) Second, I meant no offense. I was not trying to single anybody out or criticize the way that others blog/journal/Facebook/talk/etc. I was speaking more to society. I so understand wanting to chronicle the good--Of course we want to look back and remember the happy times! That makes the most sense. While I hadn't thought of it, I really agree with Heather. Sometimes you just have to say things are okay because it will take too long to explain everything else. Sometimes you have to say things are okay because if you say that they're not, you might start to believe it and then you'll lose it. I get it. Also, Andrea, I agree with you that sometimes the facades that women put on are to help them cope. You're right--If we make it look like we are doing it all, then to some extent, we have to be doing something.

Last night was a vent. I know it was a little harsh. I know it was extreme. I'm always amazed at how my posts about motherhood bring commentors out of the rafters. :) I guess that it's an issue about which a lot of people feel strongly. Thanks again for the comments. I am always uplifted by hearing your stories and your sometimes different points of view.

My Attempt To Bring Honesty To Motherhood

I've had too much time to think recently. I guess that's what 7PM bedtime for the kids and a husband who isn't home several nights a week will do for you. It's not necessarily a bad thing--It just is. I've been tossing a lot of ideas around in my head that range from grocery shopping to God to friends to grass. (I really do have too much time to think because I mean that I'm really thinking about grass, not just having passing thoughts about it.) I have a lot to write tonight (with Alan on call again), but I'm having trouble saying it. Part of that I can blame on a new daily medication that I started to quash my migraines--One of the most common side effects is difficulty with word recall. You know when you get a word on the tip of your tongue, but you just can't think of it--That's me, but for one word a sentence. Hopefully that improves. The other problem that I'm having is figuring out what is appropriate for my blog. Now this blog is the only journal I keep, as journal writing has always been a nightmare for me. So part of me thinks that I should just say whatever I want to say, but I also realize that absolutely anybody can read this (although sometimes I wonder if anybody does), so I should probably watch it a little bit. I guess that's where I'll start...

The caption of my blog is: My attempt to bring honesty to motherhood. Dishonesty is a pet peeve of mine. People who pretend to be something/someone they're not, people who act a certain way or say certain things because that's what they think other people want to hear--It drives me crazy. It just gets under my skin. Fake. Ugh. That being said, I think that mothers are some of the most dishonest people on earth. "Every day being home with my child is a joy." "I am so blessed to be able to spend every waking minute with my children." I know it's harsh, but I think it's bullshit. Temper tantrums, constantly runny noses, potty training, accidents, vomiting on everything. And not just the clearly not so fun stuff--Playing baby for 3 hours every day, having 12 tea parties a day, reading the same book over and over and over, not being able to pee or shower with the door closed, NEVER sleeping through the night, naptimes that don't let you leave the house, whining. I'll say it--It's not always joyful. I don't always feel blessed to stay home. Sometimes I wish I could work so that Alan could know what it's like to spend 14 hours straight with a 3 year old. Now don't get me wrong. I love my children. I even love that I am a stay at home mom. I enjoy motherhood. I wouldn't change it. But you will never catch me saying that it's all smiles and laughs and warm mommy moments. And here's where the honesty things comes in. I think that anybody who says it is is being dishonest.

But nobody's supposed to say that. We're not supposed to talk about how lonely it can be staying home all day every day without adult interaction. We're just supposed to smile and gush about how rewarding it is to watch our children day in and day out. Well here's my attempt at honesty. I'm just going to put it all out there.
*Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I think, "14 hours til bedtime."
*I enforce quiet time not because Abbie needs it anymore, but because I would crack without some time during the day for myself.
*I hate laundry. I seriously hate laundry. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I would rather wear old sweatpants than clean jeans.
*I get lonely during the day. Abbie is a great companion, but she's no adult. I miss having somebody to talk to. Sometimes my day crashes because I feel so lonely.
*I get sick of playing baby/princess/restaurant/etc. after about 10 minutes. Abbie could play for hours on end and sometimes we do, but after a while, it seems like the clock is moving half as fast as it should.
*I used to be a no-TV mom. Ha.
*What on earth is the point of cleaning a house when there are children living in it? They don't care what it looks like. Alan is never home anyways. Why do I bother?
*I have found myself yelling, "Stop yelling at me!" Seriously?
*Sometimes I get through my day in parts--If I can just make it till lunch. Then if I can just make it till we go get Nate. Then if I can just make it till dinner. Then if I can just make it till bedtime. Then if I can just make it till Alan comes home. Is that how we're supposed to be living?
*A lot of time, I exercise in the morning because it kills an hour so I don't have to figure out what else to do during that time.
*I take advantage of Abbie playing by herself. She'll play by make-believe by herself for extended periods and sometimes, even though I'm not really doing anything else, I'll just let her do it so that I can sit and read or check my email or get some cleaning done. I wonder how much it's healthy for her to play alone?
*Sometimes I feel like the only mom in the world who feels like this.

I used to care a lot about what other people thought about me. It really used to bother me when I knew somebody was talking about me or if I knew somebody didn't like something about me. I've pretty much gotten over that. Once I figured out that if people are talking behind my back, they are probably pretty crappy friends anyways, I gave up caring. If people don't want to like me for who I am, fine. I don't need them in my life anyways. It is a little scary, though, saying things like this. Our society does not encourage this kind of honesty. I am very aware that there will be people who think that I am an ungrateful complaining.... But I heard about two things today, both of which involved other mothers, and neither of which I will go into on this blog, that led me to write this post tonight. It was made very clear to me that this fallacy about motherhood needs to be axed. I have felt enough guilt over these feelings to know that they can eat you alive and if we could know that even one other mom feels like this, it might ease some of that guilt significantly.

So there we go. A journal entry of all journal entries. My attempt to bring honesty to motherhood.

Two Years Alive

I thought I'd take a minute tonight, while Alan's on call and the kids are asleep, to write about tomorrow. (Because there won't be time tomorrow...)

Tomorrow marks a two year anniversary for me. It will be two years since I had my thoracotomy. In early March of 2007, I had some chest pain. I went to the ED at UW Hospital. I was diagnosed with Pneumonia, given Zithromax and sent home. Two days later, my chest pain was worse and I was having difficutly breathing. I decided to go to the Immediate Care by West Towne. The Dr. listened to my lungs and ordered a CXR. My O2 sat was in the low 80s. I was then told that my x-ray was the worst that anybody in the office had ever seen--I asked to see it and it really looked like my right lung was just missing. The Dr. told me that I needed to be admitted that night. I was really suprised--I don't know what I thought would happen, but hospitalization was not it. So off to Meriter I went. I had Group A Strep Pneumonia. I ended up with a loculated pleural effusion/empyema (basically puss outside my lung, but in my pleural space). I had a thoracotomy and decortication--A long incision was made in my 5th intercostal space (between my ribs) along my back and side. The surgeons broke 2 of my ribs and then cleaned out the crap on/around my lung.

This is my incision (duh), not too long after the surgery. You can barely see a few of the chest tubes under the bandage on my side. The tiny tube (looks like a wire) in the middle of my back is my epidrual.

The next 3 weeks are pretty much a blur. I remember bits and pieces. I remember the insertion of my first 2 chest tubes. Now I've had kidney stones, 2 babies, a thoracotomy and 2nd degree burns to my face, ear and neck from a cooking fire, but the chest tubes were hands down the most painful experience of my life. I can't even describe the pain, other than horrendous. I get shivers down my spine just remembering it. I remember the cardiothoracic surgeon coming in to explain the procedure to me and my mom. He got mad at me because I fell asleep while he was talking (I was competely drugged, hello?!)--He may have saved my life, but he was still a surgeon... I remember when they removed my epidural, a few days after the surgery and I was allowed to get up to walk. My family had to push a wheelchair with all of my chest tube drains next to me while I walked. I had 5 chest tubes--3 between ribs down my right side and 2 in my back. It took everything I had to walk from one end of the hallway to the other. I think we had a party when I made it around the entire unit. I remember a time when they were worried that it was TB and they told me the kids couldn't come to visit. That was heartbreaking. I remember coming home. I remember the pain that lasted for months. I remember getting my first blood transfusion. I remember the physical therapy that I had to do for months following the surgery/3 weeks in the hospital. I remember that they had to install grab bars and a bench in my shower because I wasn't strong enough to stand. I also remember that I had a positive Romberg when I got home. (Basically, I couldn't stand with my eyes closed without falling over.) I remember being grateful that I'm a nurse so that I could do my own antibiotic infusions through my PICC line at home. Alan and I could work together to change my dressing too. I remember my mom staying with me at the hospital every single night. I remember Alan trying to take care of the kids, the house and me all while doing his surgery rotation for med school. Surgery is notoriously the worst rotation of all of med school. Ironically, he was doing cardiothoracic surgery.

Looking back, I can't believe that this all happened to me. I had no idea at the time, probably because I was drugged for months, how sick I really was. I could have died. Looking at the facts (and the CT scans), I probably should have died. My survival is nothing short of a miracle--I would not have made it without Dr. Gilliam, my surgeon. I would not have made it without Dr. Fox, my infectious disease doctor. It seems like I should have something very profound to say--Something huge I learned from this event in my life. I think that I am still learning, though. If I ever question the devotion that a mother should show to her child, all I have to do is remember my mom sitting next to me all day and night for those 3 weeks. I will never wonder if my husband can do it all--He is a superhero. I will never worry that my children will go uncared for if something else were to happen because my inlaws cared for them unceasingly for months. I will never question the love, kindness and infrastructure of my church. Meals, childcare, cleaning, etc... It was all covered, for months. I must have needed a serious lesson in humility--Not only did I need help with my kids, home, etc. for a LONG time, I couldn't even shower by myself. I really had to let people help. I'm not very good at that. I'm definitely still learning lessons from all of this.

But I am alive, and I am so grateful that I am.

Abbie Can Write!

During quiet time, Abbie was doing some coloring. Then she asked me, "Mama, how do I write Abbie?" I just spelled it for her: A-b-b-i-e. I didn't write it down--I didn't show her! Then I looked over and this is what she had written. Holy moly! Apparently Abbie can write and knows a lot more about her letters than I gave her credit for. Sometimes when Nate's doing his reading, Abbie chimes in with words. I just assumed that she was filling in common phrases or things she'd heard before, but now I'm starting to wonder... I'm a proud mommy today!

3 For Today

Alan has been on Q3 call for the last few weeks. Needless to say, he hasn't been home much or able to help out with the kids/house. After I went to sleep last night, he made a midnight run to the grocery store and I woke up to these beautiful spring blossoms on my table. Thanks, Love!

Spring cleaning is in full swing at our house. All of our dining room furniture came from my Grandma Urs, my dad's mom. I emptied all of the drawers in a huge buffet type thing--When I pulled up the paper to vacuum them out, I found this! It's a book about entertaining with china and sterling silverware. It shows how to set a table for each meal, tea, etc. I love it, especially because she marked the pages where her silver is pictured. It makes me smile and helps me remember what an amazing woman she was.

Nate's hair is awesome. What more is there to say?

A Spring Trip to the Zoo!

After school today, I took the kids to the zoo. We all walked around without our coats and it was wonderful. I LOVE SPRING.

Nate told me that rhinos are really yellow when they're not covered in dirt. Hmmm.

I love this one because you can see how different colored their eyes are. Abbie's are a gorgeous brown and Nate's are more complicated hazel.

They have a new tiger at our zoo. It kind of creeped Abbie out.

I just laugh out loud when I look at this picture... Abbie's face, Nate being so cute and the baby giraffe looks just plain freaky.

Can you count them? 1.2.3. (Manes, that is.)

Blowing Kisses

I just needed to write this down so that I don't forget. The past few times that I've dropped Nate off at school, he's been so sweet. I'm not sure if it's because it's not so flipping freezing that he has to run to the playground or if he's just feeling loving, but either way, I'll take it! I drop him off on Waukesha St. and he has to walk down the stairs by the kindergarten classrooms all the way to the front of the school/playground. I usually sit in the car until I see him round the corner to the playground before I drive away. Nate used to just get out of the car and run to the playground, but recently, he's taken to blowing me kisses all the way down to the playground. He turns around and blows kisses. He walks backwards and blows kisses. He uses one hand and then right before he round the corner, he blows big kisses with both hands. He has the most amazing little grin on his face when he's doing it. He's such a sweet little boy. It makes me smile so big. I love my Nate-Nate.

The Best Picture Ever

This is Jori. This picture makes me smile.

Hallelujah--Spring!

It seems like spring has sprung. I know that we'll probably have more cold and maybe more snow, but for now, we're pretending it's spring! I can't even explain how wonderful it is to be able to go outside. Yesterday we took the kids to the park to play baseball and soccer. What a great way to start the day. Today we played outside with bikes, scooters, cars, skates, etc. The fresh air was revitalizing and made me think that maybe we can survive the rest of intern year. The kids were so happy too. I am so grateful for spring!

Ra's Visit

My twin sister, Rachel, visited us from Rhode Island this week. Abbie really took to her new cousin, Ben. She loved holding him and entertaining him and giving him his binky. We had a good time. I wish I had taken more pictures, but here are a few: It was fun to be a twin again. When Ra came to church on Sunday, I think that we definitely freaked a bunch of people out. It was funny to see everybody's faces. I sometimes wonder if we really look alike, but I guess that we do. We got stares everywhere we went. Thanks for coming, Ra!

Three and a HALF

On March 4, Abbie turned 3 1/2 years old. It was also my dad's real birthday. When we called him in the morning to wish him a happy birthday, she couldn't stop laughing because it was her half-birthday too. When I first told her about her half-birthday, she cried because it wasn't her real birthday. Sometimes her reactions really surprise me--She was genuinely sad because she thought that if it were her real birthday, she might be growing bigger than Nate. It is the bane of her existence that she is younger and smaller than Nate. Poor girl. Anyways, after we discussed that Nate will always be older than she is (but not necessarily bigger), she got excited about her half-birthday. We treated her to dinner at Noodles and then had cupcakes at home for dessert. She also got 1 present. She was actually very grateful for the gift and seemed humbled by all the hullabaloo just for her. She is an amazing little girl.

My Sister's Dating Edward?! OME!!

Recently, Twilight has reappeared in my dreams. I'm not having nightmares right now, just weird dreams about vampires. Okay, about Edward. :) Last night was definitely the strangest. My little sister is a musician. (She's recording her first album right now! That's real, not dream.) I had a dream that she started dating Rob Pattinson--Edward! He's a musician/singer-songwriter too and they clicked. Well she brought him to my house here in Madison! The only word to describe the experience is AWKWARD! There was Twilight/Edward stuff all over my house--A poster in my basement, falling-apart books by my bed, candy, magazines, websites open on the computer--You get the picture. I kept telling Liz, my sister, that I wasn't stalking her boyfriend. Then I kept telling Rob that I really wasn't obsessed with him, just with Edward. For the record, he was still very dreamy, nice, sweet, etc, even though he was dating my sister and thinking that I was a crazy Twi-hard. What is wrong with me?! Good luck, Liz! I hope for your sake that this is a vision of the future for you. :) Although, I'm not sure that I'd ever allow you both in my house until I had done some serious Edward-cleansing. :) Love you!

This is me reading Twilight on the plane, listening to the Twilight soundtrack on my ipod and eating Twilight candy.

Our Magical Vacation!

My Life Would Suck (Stink) Without You

We're home! We had a wonderful trip, minus the traveling home. Our flight was canceled out of Orlando on Sunday evening because of the snow on the east coast. We spent the night at an airport hotel on Sunday and then spent the day in the airport. Our rescheduled flight was delayed by about an hour and a half, but we finally made it back to Milwaukee last night at about 6:30. Unfortunately some of our luggage didn't make it with us. Supposedly it will be delivered to us today, but I have my doubts. I guess we'll wait and see! After such a wonderful trip, this morning was sort of a rude awakening. Not only were we used to shorts and short sleeve shirts, sandals and heat, we were used to playing all day! Nate was not too pleased to have to get up to go to school today. He was pretty upset and in a very foul mood, something that is not very common for Nate. So to try to improve our morning, I scheduled an after-breakfast dance party. Music makes me smile and exercise produces endorphins, so I hoped that this would put a smile on my little man's face. Boy did it! Here's a video of Nate and Abbie gettin' their groove on. This is their favorite dance song right now--My Life Would Suck Without You. We sing "my life would 'stink' without you. :) We have definitely added a new part to our morning routine!