I've had too much time to think recently. I guess that's what 7PM bedtime for the kids and a husband who isn't home several nights a week will do for you. It's not necessarily a bad thing--It just is. I've been tossing a lot of ideas around in my head that range from grocery shopping to God to friends to grass. (I really do have too much time to think because I mean that I'm really thinking about grass, not just having passing thoughts about it.) I have a lot to write tonight (with Alan on call again), but I'm having trouble saying it. Part of that I can blame on a new daily medication that I started to quash my migraines--One of the most common side effects is difficulty with word recall. You know when you get a word on the tip of your tongue, but you just can't think of it--That's me, but for one word a sentence. Hopefully that improves. The other problem that I'm having is figuring out what is appropriate for my blog. Now this blog is the only journal I keep, as journal writing has always been a nightmare for me. So part of me thinks that I should just say whatever I want to say, but I also realize that absolutely anybody can read this (although sometimes I wonder if anybody does), so I should probably watch it a little bit. I guess that's where I'll start...
The caption of my blog is: My attempt to bring honesty to motherhood. Dishonesty is a pet peeve of mine. People who pretend to be something/someone they're not, people who act a certain way or say certain things because that's what they think other people want to hear--It drives me crazy. It just gets under my skin. Fake. Ugh. That being said, I think that mothers are some of the most dishonest people on earth. "Every day being home with my child is a joy." "I am so blessed to be able to spend every waking minute with my children." I know it's harsh, but I think it's bullshit. Temper tantrums, constantly runny noses, potty training, accidents, vomiting on everything. And not just the clearly not so fun stuff--Playing baby for 3 hours every day, having 12 tea parties a day, reading the same book over and over and over, not being able to pee or shower with the door closed, NEVER sleeping through the night, naptimes that don't let you leave the house, whining. I'll say it--It's not always joyful. I don't always feel blessed to stay home. Sometimes I wish I could work so that Alan could know what it's like to spend 14 hours straight with a 3 year old. Now don't get me wrong. I love my children. I even love that I am a stay at home mom. I enjoy motherhood. I wouldn't change it. But you will never catch me saying that it's all smiles and laughs and warm mommy moments. And here's where the honesty things comes in. I think that anybody who says it is is being dishonest.
But nobody's supposed to say that. We're not supposed to talk about how lonely it can be staying home all day every day without adult interaction. We're just supposed to smile and gush about how rewarding it is to watch our children day in and day out. Well here's my attempt at honesty. I'm just going to put it all out there.
*Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I think, "14 hours til bedtime."
*I enforce quiet time not because Abbie needs it anymore, but because I would crack without some time during the day for myself.
*I hate laundry. I seriously hate laundry. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I would rather wear old sweatpants than clean jeans.
*I get lonely during the day. Abbie is a great companion, but she's no adult. I miss having somebody to talk to. Sometimes my day crashes because I feel so lonely.
*I get sick of playing baby/princess/restaurant/etc. after about 10 minutes. Abbie could play for hours on end and sometimes we do, but after a while, it seems like the clock is moving half as fast as it should.
*I used to be a no-TV mom. Ha.
*What on earth is the point of cleaning a house when there are children living in it? They don't care what it looks like. Alan is never home anyways. Why do I bother?
*I have found myself yelling, "Stop yelling at me!" Seriously?
*Sometimes I get through my day in parts--If I can just make it till lunch. Then if I can just make it till we go get Nate. Then if I can just make it till dinner. Then if I can just make it till bedtime. Then if I can just make it till Alan comes home. Is that how we're supposed to be living?
*A lot of time, I exercise in the morning because it kills an hour so I don't have to figure out what else to do during that time.
*I take advantage of Abbie playing by herself. She'll play by make-believe by herself for extended periods and sometimes, even though I'm not really doing anything else, I'll just let her do it so that I can sit and read or check my email or get some cleaning done. I wonder how much it's healthy for her to play alone?
*Sometimes I feel like the only mom in the world who feels like this.
I used to care a lot about what other people thought about me. It really used to bother me when I knew somebody was talking about me or if I knew somebody didn't like something about me. I've pretty much gotten over that. Once I figured out that if people are talking behind my back, they are probably pretty crappy friends anyways, I gave up caring. If people don't want to like me for who I am, fine. I don't need them in my life anyways. It is a little scary, though, saying things like this. Our society does not encourage this kind of honesty. I am very aware that there will be people who think that I am an ungrateful complaining.... But I heard about two things today, both of which involved other mothers, and neither of which I will go into on this blog, that led me to write this post tonight. It was made very clear to me that this fallacy about motherhood needs to be axed. I have felt enough guilt over these feelings to know that they can eat you alive and if we could know that even one other mom feels like this, it might ease some of that guilt significantly.
So there we go. A journal entry of all journal entries. My attempt to bring honesty to motherhood.
Oh, yesss... I can relate to much of this. I have been feeling so lonely today with Jonathan out of town. LOL about letting Abby play by herself. I'm sure it's fine for her, and if it's good for you, it's GOOD for her! You actually sound like a really good mom to me. In the last, oh, 40 hours, alone with Gideon, I've given myself an hour to ME, unless he is dying. I've let him swing himself to sleep (like I'm doing now), or swing and giggle to himself, without playing. I find myself not talking at all for several hours, and then I wonder if I'm stunting his development. (Get real--it's five days. Could five days of silence really hurt him?) I also live the day in parts, but Gideon has no schedule, and neither do I, and Jonathan is gone, so I am avoiding the "until then" trains of thought. I guess my biggest dirty secret now is that I'm GRATEFUL that I pump, because it gives me mental and emotional permission to ditch my kid in a swing and play on my computer for half an hour several times a day!
ReplyDeleteP.S. I think your blog is yours, so feel free to write whatever you want. Besides, I like the honest posts.
Emily, I think I have thought all of your thoughts on most days. I had to laugh at some of them because no, you aren't the only one who thinks those things. I'm sure the vast majority of mothers do. Motherhood isn't all smiles and happy days.
ReplyDeleteWhen you called today and asked how things were, I believe I said, "it's okay" or something lame like that. Where to even begin when people ask me that question!? I honestly go through thoughts in my head of how things are really going before I answer anyone. There are many things I could complain about, rant about, or sound discouraged about, but once I think of how long it would take to explain everything I end up saying something like, "It's okay." I think because it's easier. I am guilty of being a dishonest mother at times. Mostly because it takes time to explain things, or perhaps to keep my attitude high - who knows.
Emily, I appreciate your honesty. I think your blog, specifically entries like these are a refreshing change from the typical "my life/kids/husband are the bestest in the whole wide world" blogs. Motherhood is certaintly not always roses and kisses. It's a lot of times hard, boring, monotonous etc. I think that many blogs have gotten to the point of trying to one-up each other of how wonderful their life is, and I do agree that's annoying. That being said however, I think it's important to try to understand that many people consider their blogs their journals and different people have different ideas of how they want "the feel" of their journal to be like. And while mine doesn't document every good and bad emotion I feel (believe me, if it did it would probably get a bit scary! LOL) it is honeslty how I am feeling at the moment or at the moment I was taking the pictures. I just figure since I am considering it my "family journal" I want to remember the good times. Those often too seldom times when I am just feeling blissful and really and truly just grateful to be a mother. No, it's definitely not always like that, so thank you for your honesty. I'm sure there are many who appreciate hearing that they are not the only ones who feel like that sometimes (myself included).
ReplyDeleteJust a side note, I want to tell you that from everything you write (and I know you are honest on here!) ;) you are an amazing mom and your children are lucky to have you as their mother.
Emily--I remember shortly after having my first that there were a lot of things that people had NOT told me about motherhood. I was frustrated that no one seemed to mention how lonely I would feel, how monotonous everyday would be, etc. I too felt like there wasn't a place to verbalize my feelings. If I ever expressed any discontentment--especially to a mother whose children were grown I got, "Treasure this time, it goes by so fast." I desperately wanted tools and answers because I felt like I was the ONLY one who wasn't enjoying it. I think it's a struggle everyday. And, I think sometimes the facades mothers put on are to help them cope--not always to hide. I think they want to see things differently.
ReplyDeleteI have two thoughts on why this whole motherhood thing is so hard. 1) It is an incredible way to refine people. I am amazed that I am constantly being "molded" when I am trying to "create" and "mold." 2) The Law of Opposition SO applies in motherhood. We are able to appreciate the good because we endure the bad.
I appreciate your candidness and attempt to bring honesty to motherhood!! We should chat face to face soon so my responses won't be so long (sorry).
I've said it before, and I'll say it again...any mother who says it's all wonderful is a liar. Yes, being a stay-at-home mom can be fun & rewarding, but it is also frustrating, mind numbing, and lonely. That's why having good friends with whom you can share both your joys and your frustrations is so important.(Mommy get-aways are also helpful...remember how I used to go away for a weekend about 2 - 3 times/year?) And by the way, why is it that people hire nannies and say, "You're here to care for my child, not clean my house," but moms are expected to do it all? For the most part, I loved the mothering part, but I hated cleaning, laundry, meal planning, grocery shopping, bill paying, and worst of all, I hated having to be responsible for keeping track of who needed to be where when, how that was going to happen, etc. It wasn't the doing of it, it was the thinking/planning/responsibility part that drove me to distraction. (Not to mention cooking 3 different things for dinner almost every night!)And maybe you're still not ready to hear this (sorry, if that's the case), but you are NEVER done. I used to think (delusionally) that your kids grow up, move out, have lives of their own, and the intense parenting ended. But, it doesn't end. Those bonds are strong, and you're just not able to avoid worrying about your children, wanting to help them, wanting to share their joys and ease their pains even though they are now adults with children of their own. And surprisingly, it may even be tougher than when they were young, because now you have no power, and you find yourself biting your tongue to avoid saying things that might make them feel like you're intruding too much.
ReplyDeleteOk, I guess I have a lot of residual frustrations of my own stored up.;=) I'm happy that you have this outlet, and I think you should use it in whatever way works best for you. I love you, Emmy.
PS I agree with one of the other commentors who said that sometimes it's just easier to say, "I'm okay" or "I'm good," because some days allowing even the tiniest chip in the dam will bring forth a flood of monstrous proportions!
I took Carston to the Library yesterday so that I could have "me" time. I let him crawl around with other runny-nosed kids so that I could sit back and read a book without him whining and pulling on my pant legs. I think a few reasons that we're not always super honest with motherhood is because
ReplyDeleteA) We chose it, and if we complain about it then we're being a little hypocritical.
B) We DO want other mothers to think that we're strong and "perfect" and if we complain, our own weaknesses not only become all that more obvious to ourselves, they also become obvious to others, which makes us feel even weaker and vulnerable, and therefore, we sugar-coat things by saying what a joy motherhood is.
C) When things aren't going well, we're usually alone. When things seem to be going well, we aren't alone, and therefore the comments we most often hear are the good ones (does that make sense?)
D) I know that the list goes on and on for me, but I'm having a hard time thinking of them at the moment (that could be because Carston is napping, and therefore I'm happy and therefore can't complain) :)
Keep the truth coming. It makes me feel more normal.
So here comes some honesty. And you know I had the anxiety/ppd issues after Cameron was born. Thank goodness for Wellbutrin! But now I'm off of it cause I'm pregnant again. And Cameron's fine. It's my husband that drives me crazy! I feel like every blog I read is about how wonderful marriage is and how great people's relationships are. Maybe this comment is a little too personal for other people to read. I feel like talking about motherhood being hard is ok, but talking about marriage being hard isn't. Anyway, that's just me as of late.
ReplyDeleteIf Cameron is nice, I love him and the day is so great. If Cameron is whiny and mean, the day will not be great! I have to pray so hard to have patience with him, especially since I've been pregnant. The thing is, I wish some days that I could have a job (you know, the 40 hours a week job... not just the janitor job I do now). But I know I would work and wish I could be home with him. So, the grass always seems to be greener for me.
You're definitely not alone. I don't write things like that on my blog cause I guess I'm just more private...? Or scared of what people think? I don't know. Ask me about it in person or on email and I'll gladly let you know how things are going.
Thanks for posting.