Sometimes I Wonder

What kind of world do we live in? Every now and then, something happens, not always something huge, but just something that shocks me. It's like I wake up and see clearly what I must have been ignoring or just turning away from somehow. It happened today. My godmother, who I absolutely love and adore, has a granddaughter in college in TX. I can remember when her granddaughter, Amanda, was a baby. We always got together when I would visit TX growing up. I just found out that one of Amanda's good friends from high school, her first boyfriend, died. He had a very rare condition, a complication of the Epstein Barr Virus, the virus that causes Mono. While I didn't know Josh, my heart just breaks. I am so sad for his family, his friends, everybody who knew him. It just seems so cruel to sentence such a young man to death. It's something I definitely don't understand. I didn't know Josh. I've never met him. But my heart is broken. I can't remember the last time that tears streamed down my face like they are right now. Suddenly this world, this world that I've been in for 28 years, just doesn't seem right again. It's happened before. But still, it's like a slap in the face. How could Abbie being up 3 times in the middle of the night have caused me such duress last night? Perspective. Things like this put life in perspective. I am so grateful for my family. I am so grateful for my friends. I am so grateful for my life--I am so blessed. I complain a lot. Definitely more than I should. But I am blessed. Hug your S.O. tonight. Hug your children. Remember how blessed we really are. Josh's family and friends will be in my prayers tonight. I ask that they might be in yours too.

This is why my children need their Daddy

I would never even think of doing this. I would especially never think of the "head protection." Nate and Abbie love their Daddy.

If Life Were A Musical

Yesterday I took Abbie and Nate to the dollar theater to see Mamma Mia. Mamma Mia is their favorite movie--We have the soundtrack and they know all the words. The best part was that we were the only people in the theater so the kids could sing and dance along with the movie. It was great fun! I realized while I was sitting in the theater that I was grinning from ear to ear. I guess that music makes me smile. I loved watching Nate and Abbie sing and smile and laugh. They were having so much fun. It made me think that I would like my life to be a musical. Just think--You're having a great day... Instead of just smiling, you can sing about it. You could dance around and break into song in the middle of the street. Nobody would call the police to have you committed, they would join you, singing backup and dancing the same exactly choreographed routine. A bad day--You're mad at your S.O. Instead of calling a friend or crying in bed, you can go to their place of employment. You look like you're stalking him, but he can't see you even when you're singing forte in his face. You tell him why you're mad, you stomp on top of his desk. You get it off your chest and he he never even knows you were there. Ahhh! If only...

The Weekend

Alan's oldest sister, Andrea, and his 2nd oldest brother, Rick, came into town this past weekend. Andrea lives in Baton Rouge and Rick lives in China. On Saturday morning, we went mini-golfing. This is quite a task with a 3 and 5 year old. I think that 18 holes is about 15 too many. It was fun, though. I went with Alan and Andrea to see Twilight again--They hadn't seen it yet. They laughed just as hard as I did. Good times.

Opening Night

Dinner before the movie

Mushroom Ravioli

Pink candles, a pink cake and silver presents (Get the reference?)

Twilight... Six of us braved the teeny-bopper crowd to see the midnight show. We had mushroom ravioli, breadsticks and coke for dinner (straight from the book). We played Twilight Pictionary and did a round of Twilight Trivia. At 10pm, we went to the theater. Despite arriving 2 HOURS early, we ended up sitting in 3 different rows. Good grief! The movie... Hmmm? I thought it was terrible. The makeup was appalling, the script was choppy and the special effects were, um, goofy. Honestly, we (and the entire theater) laughed through the entire movie. It wasn't supposed to be funny. It was entertaining, though. It was worth seeing--Afterall, it was Twilight. I shutter to think about how they'll do New Moon, what with the werewolves, etc. If they couldn't even get the meadow scene to look good... Anyways, we had a great time. It was fun to go out at night--Kids leave me rather homebound in the dark. It was also neat to see that I'm not the only Twilight freak. They are everywhere!

What We've Been Doing

This was the view from our front window last week. Only 5 months left.

Abbie was very excited about her new "princess coat." (After I threatened her with timeout if she wouldn't put it on--It was cold out!)

Nate did a super job at the Primary Program on Sunday. He even sang--Last year he stood in the front row and didn't move his mouth once.

I think my kids belong in a GapKids ad.

Abbie is really into princesses lately. We play princess every day. Usually Abbie is the princess and I am the firefighter. I follow her around and put out fires. Then after I'm the firefighter, I turn into a knight. I follow her around some more and rescue her from the dragons. She has a few babies that we drive around in car seats--She names her babies something new every day. She comes up with some really crazy names--Completely made up. It's really amazing to see her imagination come alive. She's really unbelievable. Abbie also loves music. She has a knack for learning lyrics--She knows a lot of songs better than I do. She also refuses to listen to music unless it is earth-shatteringly loud. In the car, while we exercise together in the morning, while we're cooking or cleaning during the day--If I don't turn it loud enough, she'll grab the remote and turn it up to her liking. She's a real kick in the pants! Alan has been working a lot lately. One of the 8 interns in his program was put on Academic Leave. Long story short, the guy isn't allowed to work until he has a formal review, so the other interns have to cover his work and his call. Alan leaves for work before we get up in the morning and on Monday and Tuesday, he didn't finish until around 7PM. Tonight he's on call and then he's on call again Friday. Before this week, he worked 19 days with 2 days off. The kids really miss him--They haven't really seen him since Sunday. I have also realized that truly need some alone time. Today Abbie skipped her nap and I felt like the world had collapsed. It's hard to never get a break. I feel like we can do really well, but I have no reserve. So when the kids pitch a fit or start fighting, etc., I am struggling to maintain composure. I have found myself yelling and I used to be a mom who never yelled. I can also admit to understanding how parents beat their children. I don't beat my kids, but I have had to restrain myself from expressing my anger through pain. I feel horrible saying it, but it's true. I guess I can take comfort in the fact that I have enough self-control to stop myself. Since I can't really get a break during the day--until the kids go to bed, I need something to calm myself. I have started playing the piano. I totally suck, but it's relaxing. I love music so much and I can literally feel the stress flow out of my fingers. I'm also singing a lot more--it does the same thing for me. I'm exercising every morning now too. I got a light box from my doctor to help with the crappy winter and I put it on my elliptical while I exercise in the morning. I use the elliptical for a half hour every morning--Abbie dances around to the radio next to me, getting her exercise too. I am grateful that she's old enough for me to be able to exercise and shower during the day, while she's awake. It really makes a big difference during the day. Nate is doing great. He's totally thriving at school with lots of friends. He is even struggling to eat enough lunch because he spends too much time talking. His reading is completely amazing. We had worked on reading a little bit before he started kindergarten, but he wasn't "reading." He knew all his letters and the sounds that they made, but we had only just started to put things together. Now Nate can read full books. Simple books, but books, nonetheless. He's so good that he can read to Abbie now. I'm so proud of him. That's about it. We've booked our tickets to go visit my parents and little sister in Houston in mid-December. It will be so nice to get out of WI and see family! We're planning to go to Disney World with family from both sides in February, and then Alan's little sister Diana is getting married in April. We'll go to Washington DC for that. TWILIGHT TOMORROW!!

"Abbie, bum-face Daddy!"

Before bed tonight, well during bedtime actually, the kids were horsing around. Nate was on the top bunk and Abbie was on the bottom. The light was off already. All of a sudden Nate yells, "Abbie, bum-face Daddy!" In my kids' lingo to "bum-face" somebody means to pull down your pants and sit on their face. I know. Oh I know. So Abbie proceeds to attempt some major "bum-facing." I honestly have not laughed like that in as long as I can remember. The kids were belly laughing while running around, chasing Alan, with their pants down. HI-larious. While we were sitting on the couch after dinner, Abbie was pretending to be a dentist. She was looking in Alan's mouth. Suddenly she yelled, with an alarmed voice, "Don't even talk! You've got a broken tooth in there!" While we're talking about Alan's teeth... We were all driving in the car the other day. I was driving and Alan was sitting in the passenger's seat. Nate, out of nowhere, said, "Hey Daddy, your teeth look kinda yellow from back here. Did you put mac-and-cheese on them?" Really?!

From A Mormon Who Supports Gay Marriage

In the past few months, gay marriage has become a hot topic. Proposition 8 in California has been a highly contested issue. As I'm sure most people know, Mormons have also been in the news lately. Most of this publicity has been related to the church's stance/actions for passing Proposition 8. While the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints does not typically get involved in politics, it did in California. The LDS church advocates democracy and does not espouse itself with any political party or candidate. It does, however, reserve the right to speak out on political issues it deems important. Gay marriage is apparently a very important issue. Church members in California were urged to donate their resources, money and time to an organization dedicated to passing Prop 8. Church leaders called their members forward urging action. Members responded. A NYT article titled, Mormons Tipped Scale in Ban on Gay Marriage, provided enough details to make obvious how strongly Mormons felt about this issue. In the end, Proposition 8 passed, ammending the Constitution to state that marriage should be between a man and a woman. This is what church leaders hoped for. I am a Mormon. Right now, I am a Mormon ashamed of my church. I realize that I am in the minority. I realize that there aren't many other members of my church who believe that marriage is not something that should only be afforded to heterosexual couples, but rather to all couples, same-sex or not. It is NOT MY RIGHT, nor anybody elses, to tell two women, both adults and in a consenting relationship, that they cannot get married. That is NOT UP TO ME. I would like to say, though, that "before it accepted the invitation to join broad-based coalitions for the amendments, the Church knew that some of its members would choose not to support its position" (from an official News Release put out by the LDS church). I may be in the minority, but that is my right. Members who disagree will not be excommunicated, etc. There are other people with whom I attend church here in Madison, who share my opinions on gay marriage. So I'm not the only one. We have discussed and dissected this issue until we were blue in the face. I have contemplated leaving the church, banning my children from attending. I have thought that maybe I'd just keep trucking along, hoping (blindly) that this would someday work out. What I've come to realize, though, is that if I stop going to church, if I stop my children from going, I will take away a tiny piece of diversity and difference that my views/my family provide to our church. I love the church. I love the foundation it gives my life, the hope it provides me for this life and the next. But I will not allow myself to hide in a corner. I may be one of the only ones, but I will share my views. I will speak out and advocate for gay rights, for what I believe is right. I will teach my children these same things. When I stand before my two aunts who are lesbian, my friends who are gay, I will not be ashamed. But I will tell them that there ARE Mormons who support them. I am one of them, and I am not afraid to say it out loud. I know that this is an issue that brings up deep emotions on both sides. These are my beliefs. I am entitled to them, just like those who disagree with me are entitled to theirs. Nobody should be punished or persecuted for speaking their mind, no matter which side of the issue they fall on. I welcome comments, but I ask for respect--please remember that we all feel strongly about this. I hope that friendship can rise above disagreement and that love and respect will prevail.

Nate is a Stud

He's so gorgeous. Don't mind the cinnamon sugar on his face. :) I love my Nate!

My Scale Broke

Yup. I stepped on it. I was doing so well with my weight loss. Oops. Every so often (now that I've been fat for almost 2 years) I reach a point where I haven't necessarily gained a lot of weight, but I suddenly feel incredibly uncomfortable in my skin. I see myself in a picture and wonder who photoshopped the extra neck and arms and gut and thighs. Early this week, I hit that point. I am so sick of hating what I see in the mirror. So, back onto the weight loss plan I went. I don't diet, really, just reduce the amount of food that I consume. I eat until I'm full and then don't eat when I'm not hungry. It must work! I got on the scale this morning and I've lost FOUR POUNDS! Woohoo! I have also devised a new workout plan. I like exercising, I just don't like getting started. Once I'm going, though, I'm good. So... I thought about the things in life that I really like to do, other than eat. That would be counter-productive. What is the thing that I find myself craving daily? Okay, don't laugh! I'm not even going to say it--I'm sure it's clear. So I'm downloading the books to my ipod so that I can "read" while I'm exercising. I'm pathetic. While I'm talking about it, I got my movie tickets. I'm going to the midnight show with friends. We're going to do a little "pre-partying" (Mormon style) here at my house and then go brave the teeny-boppers. I am way more excited than I should be. Last comment, I promise. I saw a totally awesome shirt yesterday. I'm hoping it might be a Christmas present. I love Edward. I'm married. He's fictional. This can't possible backfire. :)

Crazy Filling

Today I am feeling thoughtful. Creative. It makes me wish that I were a writer or musician so that I could capture all of these thoughts and then do something expressive with them. Unfortunately I am neither a writer--My only A- in college was in Freshman English--nor a musician. I guess that my messy thoughts will have to go in this messy blog. My first thoughts are on yesterday's election. I will start by saying that I hate politics. I will also say that I am a Democrat (are there any born-and-raised Madisonians who aren't?). So... HALLELUJAH! Obama won. As Alan said, "He obamanated." I am proud of my country today. I am hopeful that we will be moving in a new and upward direction. I am proud to be able to tell my children that we now have an African-American President Elect, and that I voted for him. (Not yet, obviously, since Abbie and Nate haven't realized that there are different races). I am so happy that my children will grow up in a world where they cannot be forced to have a baby after being raped. A world where benefits are extended to ALL couples, not just men-and-women couples--Where judgements should not be made based on gender, race or sexual preference. This is a free world. This is a world that is just for all. This is the world that God created--A world of diversity. For some reason, I was very emotional yesterday. I had tears in my eyes as I drew the line next to Obama's name. Everytime I read about the election, discussed it with Abbie and Nate, I was moved. I got goosebumps, a burning in my heart and tears in my eyes. I've never experienced that before with regards to politics. As I said before, I dislike politics. I've never cared about an election the way that I cared about yesterday's presidential race. I could go on and on about what made this election so much more important to me, but instead I will contemplate another reason for my overwhelming feelings. God. In my faith, we believe that the Holy Spirit can touch you, testify to you, of things that are right or true. In my conversion to the LDS church, my faith came thru a lot of prayer and a lot of experiences with the Holy Ghost. I hesitate while writing this because it is something that is VERY personal, very private to me. But the feelings that I felt in finding my faith are the same feelings that I felt yesterday--Tears, a burning in my heart and chills. Wow. Switching gears completely (like 5th to reverse)... I have been feeling lately that I have more love inside me than I've ever had before. Why? I wonder. People talk about finding new love when they have a baby, when they meet the person with whom they want to spend forever. While I've had 2 babies (and could write for hours about that new "love" and why it doesn't always just happen) and been married for more than 6 years, neither of those things have happened recently. And yet, I find myself overwhelmed by the love that I feel toward my husband and my children. I'd like to explore this... Alan. He is my best friend. He is my soul-mate. Our life together has been based off of friendship. We were almost instaneous best friends. Within weeks of knowing each other, we spent hours on the phone every night. I have never been so comfortable with somebody in my entire life. It was like we had known each other before and our souls recognized that we were meant to be together. When I say together, I mean best friends. I'm not even talking about romance here. We spent 6 months as inseparable friends before Alan left for San Diego to serve a 2 year mission for his church. I can remember the night we said goodbye. I don't even know how long we were standing in my driveway, both crying and hugging, crying and hugging. When he finally left and I went inside, I fell to the floor. I couldn't stand without him. I couldn't breathe. Those emotions in my memories are so strong and real that my heart aches now, just thinking about it. My eyes are brimming with tears. We wrote letters back and forth for 2 years--He tells me now that only his mom wrote him more than I did, and only by a few letters. As I read what I've written, it's hard to picture this as a friendship. It sounds like a pretty committed relationship. What I love about it, though, is that it really was a devoted friendship. Say what you may... No matter what our feelings are now, we were truly best friends. How amazing is it to know that even without that romantic spark, our souls fit together like puzzle pieces? Once the other feelings showed up, things got confusing for a while, but eventually time and life circumstance worked out in our favor. I can't imagine being with somebody who I didn't know inside and out. Somebody who knows me better than I know myself, somebody who I've experienced life with. My heart is overflowing with the deepest love for Alan. And the best part is knowing that he feels exactly the same way about me. I'm still feeling that tugging inside that wants me do something. It's like there's something yearning to break free of my tired brain, escape this body. I wish that I could hook myself up to a computer that would print a display of all my thoughts and feelings--Then I'd send it to Liz to write a song or to Ra to write a story. Alas, my talent in this life is school or anything that has to do with pregnancy and babies. Hmm. That's not too helpful right now. This is my journal entry for today...

Alan, Jesus and PMS

So in case anybody hasn't spoken to my husband, I'll just put it out there that he is rather sarcastic. That is to say, he has a warped sense of humor. He is irreverent at times (most times?). He's hilarious. Today in church, Alan blessed me with some of his "oh so lovely" thoughts on Christ, the Beatitudes and the Sermon on the Mount. Keep in mind that he was whispering this to me during Sunday School, while we were sitting in the front row. We were discussing Matthew 5, specifically what it meant when Christ called us (the multitudes) "the salt of the earth." Here's Alan's logic: We are the salt of the earth. Salt retains water. Jesus is the "living water." (See the story of the woman at the well.) "So you should be happy when you're PMSing and bloated because it's really Jesus!"

Look Out! LIGHTNING!!!!!!!!!

In My Dreams...

The nightmares have stopped! Well, I had one night free at least! A friend dropped a book off for me yesterday after she read this blog. She reported the inability to forget the vampires as well and said that she had to read a new book to get over it. Thank you, Rachel--It seems to have worked! In other news, I was given the ultimate birthday present. Another friend is taking me to see Twilight on opening night! Yes, we are going to brave the teeny-boppers to see the 12:01 show! There are three of us (I won't name names to preserve their dignity) with tickets (Star Cinemas) already, so if anybody else wants to join the party, let me know! The more the marrier! I'm embarrassed looking back at this post. The number of exclamation points I used is absolutely humiliating!

Jumbled thoughts on a Duchess

This evening, in my never-ending pursuit to learn to be alone, I ventured out to the movies by myself. I think that I've been to 3 movies alone in my entire life; I know how pathetic that sounds. I'm working on it. It doesn't help that I have 2 little missionary companions who never leave my sight, range of hearing (except when they whine so high that only dogs listen) or personal space. I am more motivated, and actually grateful for the opportunity, to be alone. I saw the movie, The Duchess. I have the book, although I haven't yet read it due to another, um, book. I mean 4 books. Anyways, the story is about a Duchess of Devonshire, Georgiana Cavendish. It follows her life from her marriage to the 5th Duke of Devonshire, William Cavendish, to the birth of her illegitimate daughter, Eliza. I won't give away the entire story, but suffice it to say that this woman is the portrait of why I wouldn't want to live in the 1700s or in royalty in general. Georgaina's husband was an adulterer who eventually married her best friend. He forbade her from being with her true love by telling her she'd never see her children again, despite his affairs and the fact that Georgaina reared one of his illegitimate daughters, as her own, when the girl's mother died. All that the Duke wanted was a son. He was finally "blessed" with a son after he raped Georgaina. He later forced her to send her illegitimate daughter away, watch her true love marry another woman and then live with him and his "new wife"/her friend for the rest of her life. She preceded them both in death. Today I was so stressed out that we actually had to leave Target. Abbie was walking on a shelf and knocking down picture frames, while Nate insisted on standing no less than one quarter inch in front of the cart at all times. Kind of puts things in perspective, doesn't it? What is my deal?! At least my husband isn't sleeping with my best friend! At least I am granted enough freedom to decide who I see and what I do. We are so spoiled in this life. We are so caught up in little things that we forget to see how easy we really have it. I do not count the good things in my life nearly as much as I count the bad things. Sometimes I get very frustrated feeling that my life is too stationary. We were "stuck" in Madison for 4 years for med-school. Now we're "stuck" here for 5 more years until Alan finishes residency/fellowship. I often feel that I am "stuck" taking care of my kids. Obviously this is not true because if I wanted to go back to work or school, I definitely could; staying home is a choice. I feel, though, that by spending my life being a mother, I'm somehow not progressing. I'm not furthering my education or climbing the career ladder. I'm just wiping snotty noses and poopy butts. I wonder why I feel like this? Rationally, I know that by staying home with my children I am teaching them life lessons, values, morals. Still, though, whether its society's impression on me or something in my own head, I feel that I should be doing more. Is this a societal view? Certainly in the movie this evening, it was clear that while mothers are important, nurse-maids or nannies should be doing the day in day out childcare. Is this still a part of our culture? I often hear moms say, when asked what they do, "I just stay home with my kids." Just is the important word. As if staying home with kids is less than something else they could be doing. Hmmm... Random thoughts with no clear direction... I guess that that is what a journal (blog) is for. I am going to try to appreciate my children more. I am going to try to appreciate my life more. I'm trying to wrap this up somehow, but I can't seem to do it. I guess I'll just end it there.