Jumbled thoughts on a Duchess

This evening, in my never-ending pursuit to learn to be alone, I ventured out to the movies by myself. I think that I've been to 3 movies alone in my entire life; I know how pathetic that sounds. I'm working on it. It doesn't help that I have 2 little missionary companions who never leave my sight, range of hearing (except when they whine so high that only dogs listen) or personal space. I am more motivated, and actually grateful for the opportunity, to be alone. I saw the movie, The Duchess. I have the book, although I haven't yet read it due to another, um, book. I mean 4 books. Anyways, the story is about a Duchess of Devonshire, Georgiana Cavendish. It follows her life from her marriage to the 5th Duke of Devonshire, William Cavendish, to the birth of her illegitimate daughter, Eliza. I won't give away the entire story, but suffice it to say that this woman is the portrait of why I wouldn't want to live in the 1700s or in royalty in general. Georgaina's husband was an adulterer who eventually married her best friend. He forbade her from being with her true love by telling her she'd never see her children again, despite his affairs and the fact that Georgaina reared one of his illegitimate daughters, as her own, when the girl's mother died. All that the Duke wanted was a son. He was finally "blessed" with a son after he raped Georgaina. He later forced her to send her illegitimate daughter away, watch her true love marry another woman and then live with him and his "new wife"/her friend for the rest of her life. She preceded them both in death. Today I was so stressed out that we actually had to leave Target. Abbie was walking on a shelf and knocking down picture frames, while Nate insisted on standing no less than one quarter inch in front of the cart at all times. Kind of puts things in perspective, doesn't it? What is my deal?! At least my husband isn't sleeping with my best friend! At least I am granted enough freedom to decide who I see and what I do. We are so spoiled in this life. We are so caught up in little things that we forget to see how easy we really have it. I do not count the good things in my life nearly as much as I count the bad things. Sometimes I get very frustrated feeling that my life is too stationary. We were "stuck" in Madison for 4 years for med-school. Now we're "stuck" here for 5 more years until Alan finishes residency/fellowship. I often feel that I am "stuck" taking care of my kids. Obviously this is not true because if I wanted to go back to work or school, I definitely could; staying home is a choice. I feel, though, that by spending my life being a mother, I'm somehow not progressing. I'm not furthering my education or climbing the career ladder. I'm just wiping snotty noses and poopy butts. I wonder why I feel like this? Rationally, I know that by staying home with my children I am teaching them life lessons, values, morals. Still, though, whether its society's impression on me or something in my own head, I feel that I should be doing more. Is this a societal view? Certainly in the movie this evening, it was clear that while mothers are important, nurse-maids or nannies should be doing the day in day out childcare. Is this still a part of our culture? I often hear moms say, when asked what they do, "I just stay home with my kids." Just is the important word. As if staying home with kids is less than something else they could be doing. Hmmm... Random thoughts with no clear direction... I guess that that is what a journal (blog) is for. I am going to try to appreciate my children more. I am going to try to appreciate my life more. I'm trying to wrap this up somehow, but I can't seem to do it. I guess I'll just end it there.