Crazy Filling

Today I am feeling thoughtful. Creative. It makes me wish that I were a writer or musician so that I could capture all of these thoughts and then do something expressive with them. Unfortunately I am neither a writer--My only A- in college was in Freshman English--nor a musician. I guess that my messy thoughts will have to go in this messy blog. My first thoughts are on yesterday's election. I will start by saying that I hate politics. I will also say that I am a Democrat (are there any born-and-raised Madisonians who aren't?). So... HALLELUJAH! Obama won. As Alan said, "He obamanated." I am proud of my country today. I am hopeful that we will be moving in a new and upward direction. I am proud to be able to tell my children that we now have an African-American President Elect, and that I voted for him. (Not yet, obviously, since Abbie and Nate haven't realized that there are different races). I am so happy that my children will grow up in a world where they cannot be forced to have a baby after being raped. A world where benefits are extended to ALL couples, not just men-and-women couples--Where judgements should not be made based on gender, race or sexual preference. This is a free world. This is a world that is just for all. This is the world that God created--A world of diversity. For some reason, I was very emotional yesterday. I had tears in my eyes as I drew the line next to Obama's name. Everytime I read about the election, discussed it with Abbie and Nate, I was moved. I got goosebumps, a burning in my heart and tears in my eyes. I've never experienced that before with regards to politics. As I said before, I dislike politics. I've never cared about an election the way that I cared about yesterday's presidential race. I could go on and on about what made this election so much more important to me, but instead I will contemplate another reason for my overwhelming feelings. God. In my faith, we believe that the Holy Spirit can touch you, testify to you, of things that are right or true. In my conversion to the LDS church, my faith came thru a lot of prayer and a lot of experiences with the Holy Ghost. I hesitate while writing this because it is something that is VERY personal, very private to me. But the feelings that I felt in finding my faith are the same feelings that I felt yesterday--Tears, a burning in my heart and chills. Wow. Switching gears completely (like 5th to reverse)... I have been feeling lately that I have more love inside me than I've ever had before. Why? I wonder. People talk about finding new love when they have a baby, when they meet the person with whom they want to spend forever. While I've had 2 babies (and could write for hours about that new "love" and why it doesn't always just happen) and been married for more than 6 years, neither of those things have happened recently. And yet, I find myself overwhelmed by the love that I feel toward my husband and my children. I'd like to explore this... Alan. He is my best friend. He is my soul-mate. Our life together has been based off of friendship. We were almost instaneous best friends. Within weeks of knowing each other, we spent hours on the phone every night. I have never been so comfortable with somebody in my entire life. It was like we had known each other before and our souls recognized that we were meant to be together. When I say together, I mean best friends. I'm not even talking about romance here. We spent 6 months as inseparable friends before Alan left for San Diego to serve a 2 year mission for his church. I can remember the night we said goodbye. I don't even know how long we were standing in my driveway, both crying and hugging, crying and hugging. When he finally left and I went inside, I fell to the floor. I couldn't stand without him. I couldn't breathe. Those emotions in my memories are so strong and real that my heart aches now, just thinking about it. My eyes are brimming with tears. We wrote letters back and forth for 2 years--He tells me now that only his mom wrote him more than I did, and only by a few letters. As I read what I've written, it's hard to picture this as a friendship. It sounds like a pretty committed relationship. What I love about it, though, is that it really was a devoted friendship. Say what you may... No matter what our feelings are now, we were truly best friends. How amazing is it to know that even without that romantic spark, our souls fit together like puzzle pieces? Once the other feelings showed up, things got confusing for a while, but eventually time and life circumstance worked out in our favor. I can't imagine being with somebody who I didn't know inside and out. Somebody who knows me better than I know myself, somebody who I've experienced life with. My heart is overflowing with the deepest love for Alan. And the best part is knowing that he feels exactly the same way about me. I'm still feeling that tugging inside that wants me do something. It's like there's something yearning to break free of my tired brain, escape this body. I wish that I could hook myself up to a computer that would print a display of all my thoughts and feelings--Then I'd send it to Liz to write a song or to Ra to write a story. Alas, my talent in this life is school or anything that has to do with pregnancy and babies. Hmm. That's not too helpful right now. This is my journal entry for today...