Buoyed Up

My heart is full tonight. These last weeks and months have run together like a river running into the sea. I have felt the waves and I can remember the water, but each moment and event looks and feels just like the rest of the gray-blue as far as the eye can see. Some how, some way, I have been buoyed up; I have been given a life jacket, and then a raft, and then a boat, to survive the turbulent ocean that surrounds me. My last post was about grief. This one is about healing.

I'm trying to become more comfortable sharing my faith. It's difficult for me because I feel like I am not known by my religion. I am Emily, and then to some, I am a Mormon, too. But the trials of the last six months have taught me a lot about myself, most importantly that without my beliefs and faith, I am not Emily. And so, I am going to share more of the spiritual experiences that I've had in this post. This blog is about honesty in my life and these are experiences that I want to remember. These are experiences that have changed my life, changed me.

I mentioned above that something has buoyed me up. Some how, some way, I have not only survived the trials of the last month, the grief of losing my fourth baby, but I have been strengthened. This is not something that has ever happened to me before. With the majority of the trials that I have endured, I have ended up feeling farther from God than before. I was often angry with God and blamed Him for the things that I was experiencing. For some reason, this time has been different. Maybe it's the fact that I have never felt so alone in my life, but instead of turning away from God during our time and trials in Denver, I turned towards Him. Instead of feeling anger, I felt a desperation for comfort, for somebody who could comfort me and understand how I was feeling. I felt such a shattering loneliness during our time here, a feeling that was multiplied exponentially after losing our baby. But I had nowhere to go, nobody to go to. I think that it was that desperation for comfort, for anything that might soothe my broken heart and aching arms, that led me to look to my faith. I literally had nowhere else to go.

And so I looked up. I read my scriptures, searching them for understanding. I prayed with a desperation that I have never known before. I prayed more than I have ever prayed before; sometimes it felt like my next prayer was beginning before I even finished the last one. But more than anything, I looked for God in my life. I sought Him out. And I searched for Christ, for the man who felt every pain that I have ever experienced in the Garden of Gethsemane during the Atonement. I didn't just seek him in the scriptures or at church, I begged and pleaded that he would come to me, to wrap his arms around me and say, "I know, Emily. I know."

The life jacket, the raft, and boat came from a faith in Christ that I have never had before. The healing that I found in Christ was a balm to my soul. I cannot find words to describe the miracle that has occurred in my heart since writing my last post on grief. Where it was then shattered, my heart is now full. How is that possible? How, during such a difficult time, could I have found peace, comfort, a means to dry my endless tears, and a balm to heal my soul? I cannot understand how this has happened and I don't have words to describe it. I fear that I am doing no justice to the change that has come to my heart and soul. But if I don't try to write it down, I may forget it. I know that the next trial is just around the corner; I need to remember this for then. I don't know how I'll survive if I forget.

I have had more of the Holy Ghost in my life during the last two months than I've ever had before. While searching for Christ and getting to know Him, the Holy Ghost has been a constant companion to me. I have felt his presence so strongly. I have had experiences in church, an experience at the Denver Temple that I will never be able to put into words, time with the missionaries, and so many moments in the thick of my days at home where I knew that someone was with me. Suddenly, even though I am no less alone than I was when I wrote my last post on grief, I don't feel alone. I feel, as I said before, that my heart is full. I have been given a boat, a ship even, to carry me through the stormy waves that are swirling around me. I sought a friend, a comforter, a shoulder to cry on, but I found more than that; I found miracles. In God, in Christ, and in the Holy Ghost, I found a blessed peace; I found friends. Gratitude does not even begin to describe it. But I hope that I never forget it. No, more than that, I hope that I never lose it; I hope that I never lose Them.

I know that my friends from church will understand this. I don't know how my friends and family outside of church will read something like this. Maybe I sound crazy? A year ago, I would never have written something like this on my blog. Heck, even two months ago, I wouldn't have done it. But my faith and my relationship with Christ have come to the very front of my life; They are such a huge part of who I am that I cannot continue this blog without including Them in it. I realize that by including this part of my life in my blog, I am opening up a part of me that many don't know. If you have questions (or wonder if I'm nuts), please ask. In the spirit of honesty, that is the best that I can offer. And I promise that I'll get back to posting pictures of my kids and our lives, too. Until then...