Thoughts

I just wanted to take a minute to note how wonderful life is when I'm not depressed: It's amazing! It's wonderful! I think that I had forgotten what it was like to be happy. I had forgotten what kind of person I was without the cloud of depression hanging over me. 2 years is a long time to be depressed. I have lost a lot of memory from the last two years, due to both ECT and the extended time that I was sick from Pneumonia/surgery. I am not sure if it's medically proven (and Alan's on call so I can't ask him), but I am pretty sure that when I'm depressed my memory is crap. So needless to say, things are a bit hazy. I guess that it's probably better that way, though. There are a lot of things that I wouldn't want to remember anyways. For the last little bit, I think that I was like 95% recovered. I was good until I got stressed or lost a lot of sleep or things got really tough--Then I would sort of crash. My ability to cope was definitely not 100%. But very recently, I have been able to cope so much better. Long days are hard, but they are manageable. I used to look at a day when I had no plans, a long to-do list and Alan on call, and wonder how I would get through 10AM, let alone the entire day alone. But now I can handle it. Not only can I handle it, I can still have a good day. That's pretty monumental. Even in the dead of winter, I can say all of this. That's huge too! It's an incredible feeling to actually want to do something, instead of just wanting to lay in bed all day long. I am motivated to keep my house clean and cozy. I have planned a menu and cooked dinner for the last 2 weeks straight (without just making frozen pizza, etc.). Yesterday, I did 5 loads of laundry. AND they are folded. And they are put away. Holy moly! Having laundry hanging over my head would have paralyzed me several months ago. Now I can just get up and do it. That's the thing about depression--Nothing is easy. Nothing. But now I can just see that my floor is dirty and I can get up to sweep it. I don't have to spend oodles of time trying to make myself do it. I can't even describe what it's like to just be able to get things done. I love it. I evenfeel good about myself, which is not something that happens very often. So, knowing that I'm probably calling a curse upon my head, I'll say, life is good. Life is good.