Everybody needs a good cry every now and then, right?
Shower check
Nate to school check
Cry check
Life got the best of me this morning. This afternoon. Today. It got me good! I've known that it was coming, if I'm being completely honest with myself at least. I don't have anything to complain about--Life is good. I've actually been counting my blessings recently. Hallelujah! Right? I'm not going to say that things haven't been stressful. I can honestly say that Alan worked at least 100 hours last week. That's no exaggeration. He was gone at work at least 100 hours. That's a lot to handle right? I've been sick with some sort of cold, bronchitis crap for 5 weeks now. Abbie's got it too, along with double pink eye. Alan's got some weird stomach bug. We've all had fever. But honestly, life is good. Nobody is dying. Nobody is depressed. Things are good. Alan's job is secure--All 100 hours of it. :) So what's the problem? I'm asking myself the same thing!
MONOTONY. MONOTONY. MONOTONY.
Every day I get up and Alan is gone. The kids and I eat breakfast, we get Nate ready for school and drop him off. Abbie and I come home. I shower and get dressed. Lately, I stand in the shower until ALL of the hot water is gone--A time waster to be honest. Abbie reads or plays quietly or comes to ask me when I'm getting out, leaving the door open and letting all the hot air out with it. :) If it's warm, we walk the dog. Then if I'm lucky, it's 9 AM. Only 6 hours til we get to pick up Nate from school. There lies the problem. What the hell am I going to do for the next 6 hours? Every day is the same. Abbie is a homebody. She hates going anywhere. If it were up to her, we would sit at home all day every day. I have to leave the house for my sanity. Conflict! Recently, I have found my days dragging. By the time I get out of the shower, I really wonder what on earth we're going to do for the rest of the day. Do I try to save myself and get out of the house--Is it worth the crap the Abbie is going to lay down when I try to make her leave? Or do I resign myself to spending the next 10 hours until bedtime at home, knowing full well that I might have to take another shower to make it through the day?
I know it sounds horrible. I feel like a failure of a mother writing this. It's not that I don't love Abbie. There are moments every day that I love being home with her. Reading, playing outside, sidewalk chalk, imaginary play, her laughing, etc. We really do have fun. And the thought of being away from her all day or even a large part of the day makes my heart hurt, but I don't know if I can do this anymore! The day just goes so slowly. It's like torture sometimes. How awful of me to say, right? Being a SAHM is torture? Is that what I'm saying? Ugh! What am I saying?
All my life I've had a hard time following through with things. My parents have told me that I quit everything I start. The only I didn't quit was school--I finished that with a vengeance! And I didn't quit Alan. And I haven't quit my kids. So I'm a little sensitive about this. But I feel like I might need a change. Maybe I need a part time job. Maybe I just need to get Abbie involved in some classes. Maybe I just need some friends. I've never felt so lonely or isolated in my entire life. Alan says that all SAHM feel isolated, but I wonder if sometimes people just like being home. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who feels lonely. Nate had a dentist appt. this afternoon and I seriously couldn't wait to get to that appt. so that I could talk to an adult. I really feel like being home alone with a three year old all day isn't healthy for my head. Maybe it's fine for some people, but it's not for me. There, I said it. I just don't think that this is working for me. I don't know that a job is the answer. But something has to change. Maybe a class for me. Maybe regular playdates. Maybe regular outings. But it has to be scheduled. I think that's the key. Ugh. Who knows what the key is. Obviously I don't or I wouldn't have spent an hour crying today.
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Part of me wants to delete this post and run for the hills because I ever wrote it. I'm ashamed to admit these things about myself. But I'm going to post it. Honesty is what I'm supposed to be about. And the only reason I wouldn't post it is because I would worry about what people are thinking. Here's to not giving a rat's *#$...
Emily, I'm all for the play dates! I'm okay with them being on a schedule :) I think it's good for everyone to have adult interaction. I really like the idea of having something to look forward to (ex. every Tuesday at 12 play date/lunch, run errands on Wednesday, grocery shopping on Friday -as much as I hate that one- etc). Especially with the warmer weather. Who wants to be inside their house (my case apartment) alone? I sure don't.
ReplyDeleteYou should blame it all on me! I called you the other day to see if you wanted to come over this morning, but I got cut off mid-message (I swear, it wasn't THAT long!) and then got side-tracked and forgot to ever call back. See! My fault!
ReplyDeleteI've felt exactly the same as what you described. It ebbs and flows for me, but there was a long time when I just had Haven at home that I couldn't believe how long and boring the days seemed!
We still want you guys to come over sometime!
Oh, Em, I'm so sorry that you're lonely. I can't help but think about how much easier BOTH of our lives would be if we lived in the same place.
ReplyDeleteI could go on and on about how you're not the only mom who feels this way, but I'm not sure that it would even be helpful. It sounds like you are feeling shame for needing to make a change for yourself that would involve you spending a little bit more time away from Abbie. That makes me sad because I don't think anyone should ever feel shame for making a change for herself, even if it does involve time away from her child. And as far as quitting everything, it sounds like you don't want to continue a pattern that you think you have of quitting everything, so you're desperately trying to "not quit" your kids, even if it's not the best thing for you. For what it's worth, I don't think that you've quit everything; school, singing, marriage, children, church, learning, life - these are major, major things that many people give up on, but you've held strong and persevered, despite exaserbating challenges that could have derailed even the most valiant efforts.
I'm also curious as to what makes you think that getting a part time job or taking a couple of classes by yourself means that you have "quit" your children?
I admire the courage, strength and insight you must possess to be able to say that you think being home alone all day with a three year old isn't healthy for you, and that you need to make a change. I think that so often, we continue to do things even though we're miserable because we think that we should do them, should be able to do them, that something is wrong with us because we can't or don't want to do them. It's societal - do you think that anyone looks at Alan and thinks that there's something wrong with him because he chooses to work during the day rather than be a stay at home dad? I highly doubt it. I wish that you wouldn't put that same sexist, oppressive belief system on yourself.
Just because I say it obviously doesn't make it so, but I say that it's okay for you to want to do something for yourself. It's okay for you to need to spend time away from your child. It's okay for you to recognize that something isn't working and it's more than okay for you to articulate that you need to do something about it. YOU need a change for YOU. It seems to me like you've spent a long time taking care of your babies, putting their needs before your own. I wonder what it would mean to them to look back in life and see that they have a mom who valued herself enough to do things to meet her own needs, to ensure that she was happy, too?
Whether you decide to schedule play dates, get Abbie involved in something, go back to school, take a few classes here and there, or go back to work out of the home, I hope that you can be comfortable with your decision. And again, for what it's worth, I really don't think you're a quitter.
Love you.
I totally understand. Some days I am counting down the hours. What to do to get motivated? SOmedays it's like agony. Maybe if I still lived in WI we could hang out and be in Agony all day together. Hang in there. SOmehow I am.
ReplyDeleteI also have to get out. Every day. Thankfully, Chris likes to get out too and Max si too young to care. We should get together at a park or something.
ReplyDeleteDitto to what Rachel said. And changing the structure of an activity isn't the same as throwing up your hands and saying, "I quit." So, if you need to send Abbie to preschool a few hours or days/week or if you need to find a job, or volunteer somewhere, then do it. Em, everybody who's ever been a SAHM knows exactly what you're talking about! You'll need to find what works best for you, but here's a suggestion. Try making a weekly schedule with Abbie. I think it's key to involve her in the planning. Whom would she like to play with this week? Is there a story hour at the library? At the book store? An activity at the children's museum? Break the day into blocks and designate them as "at home time" and "out of home time." Then break those blocks into activity times (quiet play while Mommmy...; reading with Mommy; reading without Mommy...; going to the library, playdate, feeding the ducks, getting an ice cream, taking a walk...You get the idea). Once you've got the weekly schedule made, review it with her daily and before she goes to bed. Make her feel like it's her ideas & her plan; maybe she won't be so resistant. But even if she does resist, let her know that this is the way it's going to be. That she gets to make some choices but so do you. It may be challenging at first, but she'll eventually like the predictability of it, I think.
ReplyDeleteYou both need some contact with other people, so make sure that's included. (I think I've told you this before, but I once told your dad that if we didn't move into University Houses so that I could have a community of other moms & kids, that I was going back to Texas with you 3 girls. You know how that turned out! So do what you need to do!) Love you, Sweetie.
Of course you're not awful. I am an uber homebody, but start to feel increasingly icky (isolated, depressed...) when I don't get out for some adult interaction. I can relate to a lot of what you describe, especially the showering! LOL.
ReplyDeleteAnd, WOW! You have held it together so well with Alan working so much. You are AMAZING! I would go nuts, I'm sure, if I didn't have Jonathan's help every morning... and every evening... and all night long!
You are so good for putting all of that down in words because I can definitely say there isn't a mother out there that doesn't feel that way sometimes! If they say they don't, then they are lying!!! I just had a crying day earlier this week and I can't really even say what it was about...everything all of a sudden just seems depressing! You are too right about the getting out thing, it really does help. When I have too many days of staying at home, I get total cabin fever, and it is only compounded by the fact that you know you aren't getting reinforcements (the hubby) at the end of the day. The best thing you could do would be to do something for yourself! I know every mother fiber in you screams that this is not allowed and that every waking moment should be about the kiddos, but it's just NOT TRUE! You need "me" time, maybe not every day, but regularly you have to be able to do something you want to do. I know that is super hard with such a busy husband, but it seriously will make you feel better. Being a SAHM is a thankless and monotonous job and thank goodness that I love my kids so much and they are so darn cute, or I think I would feel like quitting...A LOT!!! I have to admit I feel guilty for writing all this, but I was so glad to see someone writing about this that I said who gives a rat's *#$....love ya emily!
ReplyDeleteOkay I know I just left you a comment...but I just thought I would say what works for me too (besides the getting out thingy)...and I am wincing as I write this because I HATE it when people get all churchy on blogs...(c: but getting down on your knees and saying a prayer does wonders, just giving it all to HF uncensored and honestly. There, I said it.
ReplyDeleteWonderfully said. I agree with all of the comments made, and I wish you all the best as you try to find what will make your life more enjoyable and well-rounded.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for being honest. I could not handle being alone with my baby everyday all day long. In fact, I know that my husband and I are often relieved when Monday comes and we get to go to work. Even the weekend is tough sometimes and working is so much easier than staying at home.
ReplyDeleteWhat this post tells me is that you need a change in a big way. You have already brainstormed some good ideas (play groups, classes, part-time job). You need to get out. And even if Abbie doesn't want to get out, it would be good for her to socialize with peers.
The great thing about Abbie is that you can reason with her somewhat. You can tell her, "You know Mommy knows you like to stay home and play all day. But Mommy likes to be out and about. So we need to compromise. Everyday we need to make one outing. You can help me choose. Like tomorrow we can do X or X or both. What do you want to do?" It's a forced choice, but she does get some say that way and you get out. You are the Mom and you set household policy.
The structureless day of staying at home is very challenging. My maternity leave was very hard. I work at a school and I have 10 weeks off every summer. I desperately look forward to it, but admittedly after two weeks I'm bored and DONE. This will be my first summer as a Mom and I hope that I can find enough to do so I don't go batty. No one realizes how tough it really is to be at home with a baby (or a three year old)!
Start with the library; see what programs they have in the kids department and you'll find a bunch of Moms like you. Then look into the park district. Here in Chicago they are enrolling for summer programs. See what they have going on for three-year-olds. The structure and group dynamics will be really good for Abbie. And you can have some much-needed "me time."
I would start with classes first before looking for part-time work because that would require a bigger change for the both of you. If the classes go well (I bet they will) and Abbie gets used to being away from home for a length of time, then jump into a job search.
Good luck! I think you are doing a great job!
Wow, you've gotten a lot of great comments so I don't really think there is much else to say that I was going to that hasn't already been said. Except I don't think you can hear enough that you are a great mom! :) BTW, I love your mom's idea about the schedule!
ReplyDeleteMy first thought was to get Abbie into preschool. Maybe she would hate that, but it could be really good for her and especially for you. And if it's good for you, then it'll be good for your family! And I think a class for yourself would be really fun.
ReplyDeleteI have to go to the store or the park or something every day. If not, Cameron starts to act beastly. We'll see how it goes when I have two to think about. Might be harder to get out then and I'll probably go nuts.
Maybe I'll just stop by some day. Do you hate it when people do that? If so, let me know so I won't do it! But I've been trying to keep my pregnancy weight down and walking seems to do me (and Cameron) a bit of good. Maybe we'll mosey on over to your place. Let me know if you hate this idea!