A Choice

These last couple of weeks were a time of deliberation for Alan and me.  While it may seem like Alan has been through as much schooling as is humanly possible, he still has more to come.  After finishing his third year of a Psychiatry Residency (we are just finishing Year 2 this month), he will go on to complete a two year Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Fellowship.  Just like Residency, the Fellowship positions are filled around the country using the dreaded Match Program.  What this means: Applicants rank their choices, programs rank their applicants, and then a computer spits out placements.  You can see the possible disadvantages to this method of doing things, basically that you just get sent somewhere instead of having the final say.

Which brings us to this weeks' turmoil... Alan was offered a place in the UW Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Fellowship, OUTSIDE OF THE MATCH.  This is a huge compliment to Alan and a major testament to his skills, as his bosses wanted him enough to offer him a place (one of three positions) outside of the match.  No application, no interview--Just a contract.  Wow.  What's the downside to this, you might ask?  Well, to be perfectly honest, we don't really want to live in Madison anymore.  I have been counting down the years (4 Med School, 2 Residency so far) until we were done here and could escape. Yes, we both grew up here.  Yes, we still have some family in the area.  We own a home in a wonderful school district.  Madison is safe, familiar.  But Madison has horrendous winters.  Also, we live in a ward (church congregation) that is filled with graduate students, i.e. people who leave every few years.  Reasons to stay and reasons to go.

We were torn down to the core.  People asked us which way we were leaning and we honestly couldn't say because we weren't leaning at all.  But Friday came and we had to make a decision.  I'll tell you that there were many tears shed (okay, just mine, not Alan's).  But what we finally decided was that we are going to stay in Madison for three more years.  We realized that while we want to leave, we want to do it on our on terms.  We want to move when the choice is ours where we go.  We want to move when we have a real salary that will allow us to buy a home close to Alan's clinic, instead of living in a city that we don't like, in an apartment miles away from his workplace.  We decided to finish our training here, with a promise to ourselves that we'll leave in three years.

I cried very hard after our decision was made.  I really wanted to move.  Alan asked if we should change our mind.  But I do feel like this is the best choice for our family right now, that this was the right decision for us.  And now, a couple of days out, I am feeling even more sure that we made the right choice.  I'm looking forward to leaving in three years, but I know that this is where we are supposed to be now.

In our deliberations, we discussed what we could do to make Madison feel like a better option.  One of the top items on that list was to switch wards.  In our church, congregations are determined using geographic boundaries.  We ended up in the ward that is filled with young families, newly married, in school, with young children.  Seems perfect, right?  For the last six years it has been great.  Well, other than the fact that your best friends are constantly moving away.  But now as I'm getting older (a lot of the women my age are all moving, as their husbands are just finishing their programs), I'm not feeling as comfortable anymore.  It's a stereotype that Mormon women have lots of kids, but there is definitely some truth to that.  I have a seven year old and a four year old, but I don't have two babies after Abbie.  Obviously there are reasons that we don't have more kids--I have nightmare pregnancies, I've had two surgeries in the last three years, Alan's doctors told him that it would be harder and harder to have kids as he got older (and he's already "sterile").  I had somebody at church ask me if we're considering adoption.  What?!  This just illustrates what some people think in the community that we are a part of.  If you have a two year old and you're not pregnant, something must be wrong with you.  No it's not right, but it's the way things can feel in our ward.  So I'm feeling uncomfortable there.  Then there's the fact that Alan's parents live in town (in our ward), which I think leads people to think that we have a built in niche.  As I'm a shy person to begin with, I'm sure that I don't make enough effort to get out there, but I've been feeling more and more distant from the ward community lately.  I know it's my responsibility to change that, but with the age gap widening and some of my good friends leaving in the near future, it's hard.  So that's why we're thinking of trying to switch wards.  It's complicated, though, as to switch wards, we'd probably have to move.  That means switching schools, MOVING, etc.  More decisions.

I didn't mean for that to turn into a negative, whiny post.  I really do feel good about staying in Madison, like this is where we're supposed to be.  No decision like that is ever easy, much like life in some respects.  I look forward to the next three years, though, and whatever may come after that.  These last years of tremendous hard work that Alan has put in have all paid off now.  Without his hard work/placement outside of the Match, we'd be looking at huge application costs, travel expenses and tons of time spent away from home this year (interviewing).  I have a good feeling about all of this, I really do.  Madison it is!