Wrong Roads

"You can do this. And when you do, 

everything will be better...

As soon as you start, you will feel relief...."

These last months have been some of the most difficult of my life. And I'm hesitant, for a number of reasons, to write this post. The event that forced everything into motion was one of the most, if not the most, spiritual of my life. I realize that a good number of my friends and family are not religious, especially to the extent that I am; it frightens me to share an experience that so blatantly exposes my faith. Experiences like this, along with my beliefs, are very private to me. I cannot, however, keep this to myself.

It all began with a video, a short "Mormon Message," that was shared by a friend on Facebook. I typically do not watch these videos as I find them to be, well, somewhat corny. But for whatever reason that day, I clicked play. The clip I watched is embedded below. I ask that you watch it, not for any reason other than because it changed my life. The rest of this post won't make an ounce of sense unless you, too, hit play. Just watch it. Please.

As I sat on my couch, with Noah playing cars and planes (loudly) next to me, I felt tears fill my eyes and stream down my cheeks. It was as though the earth had stopped rotating, as though time stood still. And as I watched, it was almost as though Jesus Christ walked through my front door, sat down next to me on the couch, wrapped his arms around me, and said, "This. This. THIS." And suddenly the last months of tribulation and confusion were as clear as the Colorado sky. Elder Holland's answer to his son's question echoed in my ears:

"I think that the Lord, his wish for us there, and his answer to our prayer, was to get us on the right road as quickly as possible, with some reassurance, with some understanding, that we were on the right road and we didn't have to worry about it. And in this case the easiest way to do that was to let us go 400 yards or 500 yards on the wrong road and very quickly know without a doubt that it was the wrong road, and therefore with equal certainty, with equal conviction that the other one was the right road."

I believe that God inspired my friend to post this video that day. I believe that the Holy Ghost prompted her to share it, knowing that I would see it, knowing that I needed to see it. It's incredibly difficult for me to share this; it feels so personal and private. But I've never had an experience where I felt so directly inspired by God, so clearly shown the path that I'd been on and the path that I was to take. And so I am sharing it for a few reasons, just one to help explain the decision that Alan and I have made based upon what was set in motion when I watched this one, simple Mormon Message.

What suddenly became so clear? What did feeling like Jesus said, "THIS," mean? Let me explain. When we made the decision to move to Colorado, we prayed like crazy. We wanted to know that we were making a decision that would be good for our family, one of which the Lord approved. Our answers came loud and clear; yes, moving to Denver is the right thing to do. And so we did it. I'm not going to go into the challenges that we've faced while living here. Suffice it to say that this probably has been the most trying time that our family has ever experienced, and that's saying something. So when I heard the message of this video, what became crystal clear was that we were the family at the fork in the road. We prayed, we got an answer, we followed the promptings of the Holy Ghost, and ultimately we realized that we were on the wrong road. The Lord led us to Denver in order to show us that the right road, the place that we truly belong is Madison. We would never have known it had we not followed His promptings to leave. Moving to Denver was not a mistake, rather it was the fastest way for us to know "without a doubt that it was the wrong road, and therefore with equal certainty, with equal conviction that the other one was the right road."

I have never been so certain about anything in my life (well, except maybe about marrying Alan). I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that He is looking out for me and my family. I know that Madison is the right road; Madison is where we belong. And so, we are moving back to Wisconsin. As soon as we made the decision to leave, Alan contacted the head of the private practice that he would have worked at had we stayed in Madison. The exact moment that the message was received, the boss of this office was in a board meeting where they had just decided to hire a new Child/Adolescent Psychiatrist. I don't believe that was a coincidence--Serendipity, yes. Confirmation that we made the correct choice, definitely.

I know that there will be people who don't believe my story. Maybe it's not that they won't believe it, but rather that they'll think I'm making things out to be the way that I want them to be. Certain people will say that I'm quitting, that I haven't given it enough time; if I stayed longer, I'd surely be happy. I wasn't always happy in Madison; we definitely left for a reason. To those people, I will have to say that they can think what they want. I know and Alan knows, in our heart of hearts, that we are doing the right thing. It would be infinitely easier to stay in Denver. I HATE moving, and yet here we are doing it again. But despite the challenges it will bring, despite the naysayers, this move is what is best for us and best for our family. And there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that can fight that.