Halloween Evening

Isn't she GORGEOUS?!

This is classic Abbie

Trick-or-treating

It was over 60 degrees after dark!

Doctor and Clone Trooper

Look at their feet!

Happy Halloween!

I love Halloween. It is my favorite holiday. I love dressing up, I love trick-or-treating and I love decorating. I'm going to make it a good day for me and a good day for my kids! I'll post pictures later. My Halloween began with a FRIGHT! I remember waking up with Alan shaking me and saying, "It's okay. You're just dreaming." Yup. Another nightmare. I was yelling, "Help," over and over again in my sleep. REALLY? This is getting ridiculous. What's even more ridiculous is that I was running from Edward in my dream. He's a flipping vegetarian (and totally hot--Why would I run?)! :) Happy Halloween!

Psychotherapy

After Alan had to wake me up last night because I was yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs, I decided I might need some psychotherapy. Well, I already knew that, but some therapy directly related to PURGING THESE BLOODY (no pun intended) VAMPIRES FROM MY BRAIN! It was funny in the beginning, and still is, honestly, but my sleep is suffering. Maybe I need to sleep with garlic around my neck. Although, according to the books about which I'm having nightmares, the garlic won't work--I will have to light my brain on fire. Ack.

Number Five

Twilight nightmare number five-- Check.

Nightmare(s)

So apparently I've been reading a little bit too much Twilight. I'm almost done with Breaking Dawn, for the second time. So I've read all 4 books in the saga in about a week (again). I think I need a break... Last night I woke myself (and Alan) up screaming not once, not twice, but THREE times. Dang Volturi. Edit: Add another vampire nightmare today (Tues) during nap time.

Just a Quick...

I have to write these down before I forget. Nate is on fire tonight! "Daddy, what did you say? Slap my booty?!" --Nate While looking at a stuffed buffalo head on the wall, Nate asked, "Is that a real goat?" I replied that it was not a goat, but a buffalo, and that yes, it was real. "What, they just cut his head off?" Yes, Nate. Yes. After explaining about the buffalo, Nate wanted to know why they killed it. I told him that somebody hunted it and probably used the rest for meat. "I wonder what the skin tastes like," he pondered, looking disgusted. I told him that they don't eat the skin, but they use the muscles, just like a hamburger but with buffalo instead of cow. This was HUGE to him--Meat is muscle. What about ribs? "Ribs," I told him. I wish I could have captured his face. I honestly thought that he was going to become a vegan right then and there. (Note to other parents: Avoid places and conversations having to do with taxidermy.) Nate was changing into his swimming suit. He was standing at the top of the stairs--I could only see him through the railings. He had no shirt on and had his pants sagging about half way down his butt. Picture it... "I am a rockstar!" I know there are more, but that's all I can come up with for now. BTW, we're in the Dells for the night. We'll be back tomorrow. Alan surprised me by picking Nate and I up from school after I chaperoned Nate's field trip to a very muddy dairy farm/pumpkin patch. He had booked us a hotel (with bunk beds that made the kids SUPER happy). He also surprised me by sending me to a spa here at the resort for a Swedish stone massage. And I'm going back to the spa tomorrow for some other surprise events (for my birthday)! (Happy birthday, Ra! Love you!) Sorry girls, he's taken! I don't know how, but I ended up with the Best. Husband. Ever.

Nate and Abbie

My kids are HI-larious. They continually crack me up. Here are today's examples: The kids took a bath before dinner tonight (yes, they were that dirty). Nate was wearing one-piece pajamas with a zipper up the front. All of a sudden, in the middle of dinner, I look over hearing Nate say, "This is the Bob Show!" Bobby, Bobby, Bobby." He had unzipped his PJs to display his belly button. He was calling his belly button Bob. What?! I was driving today and Abbie said, while we were rounding a corner in the minivan, "The van is farting!" I have no idea where it came from--I didn't hear anything. At dinner, Abbie stood up and left the table. She came back carrying her doll highchair with a baby doll in it. She took her booster seat off of her chair and put it on the floor between Alan's and my chairs. She then put the highchair on top of the booster seat on the floor. She announced, "This is Star Wars Baby." Alan said, "Abbie...". She said, "No! I'm Princess Leia!" She can be so random! I realized today, again, that Nate and Abbie are really good friends. I make this observation every now and then, usually depending on how much they're fighting. Even when they're fighting, though, they go right back to playing. I always wanted an older brother when I was growing up. I remember asking my mom for a brother for Christmas (Sorry, Mom!). I'm so glad that Nate is Abbie's big brother. Now that he is in school, he has started doing things for Abbie. He drew a picture yesterday morning of something that Abbie wants for Christmas, to send to Santa. They sat together while he drew and she told him what she needed him to depict. Abbie is so lucky to have him. I'm so glad that they are friends.

Why So Addictive?

Well, I made it through New Moon again. I finished Twilight for the second time a few days ago. I do realize that the Twilight saga is a bit overdone these days. There are oodles and oodles of fan websites, t-shirts, the movie opening next month, a soundtrack, etc. I like to think of myself above the "groupies," but if I'm honest, I'm one of them. I know, I know... It's the total cliche, especially among Mormons (Stephanie Meyer is LDS), but I can't help it. I'm obsessed. I saw a movie this morning and the Twilight preview showed. I think that I was more (okay, a lot more) excited by the preview than I was by the actual movie. Keep in mind that this is the same preview that I've watched over and over again (I mean, uh) at home--But it was on the big screen! And so, I pose a question: Why are these books so appealing, so addictive? I don't have the answer. I want to know what everybody else thinks. I know that I'll get some people making fun of me. I get that there are those who think that the whole Twilight deal is dorky and, well, pathetic. If that's you, let me know what bothers you about it and if you've read them, please comment! I really wonder why these books have taken off. I can pinpoint a few reasons that I appreciate the books. I think that the key to my addiction is the love story. I've always disliked sci-fi and even vampires and werewolves push it for me. That's why I fall back to the love story. Bella and Edward are not supposed to be together. Period. Heck, he wants to eat her! It's unrequited love. A tale of two star-crossed lovers, if you'll excuse the reference. I love that despite everything that falls between them, everything that lies in their path, they cannot be without each other. Bella describes a hole in her chest when Edward leaves her. She can't breathe. She is a zombie (ironic, right?). I think that true love is like that. When people are destined to be together, soul-mates, they are not whole alone. This is what I see in Edward and Bella--true love. I think that Stephanie Meyer did an amazing job at making us feel that love, feel the loss and the aching when Bella and Edward couldn't be together. I love that. I think it must just go back to what I wrote yesterday. I believe in true love. The love that Edward and Bella have together is the love that I have always had with Alan. I cannot imagine an existence without him. I feel that same hole that Bella experiences when I even think about a life without Alan in it. We've always had something more--Even as best friends, years before we started dating, we said 'I love you' to each other. There has always been that connection between us--An intensity to our relationship that I've never experienced before. Life tried to get between us; a lot of things tried to get between us. But we couldn't be without each other. It's just that simple. My world would stop dead in its tracks without him. The pain would be unbearable. I like seeing our love described in a book. Maybe it's just that simple. What do you think?

I Figured This Much Out

I know that I am a person who hides behind humor. Maybe sarcasm is a better description than humor. Either way, I'm not always completely serious--being a ham is easier than crying all the time. Today, though, I want to be serious. I had time to think. My thoughts are random, jumbled, but I need to write them down. I need to remember. My first thought: I love music. I don't think that I feel anything in my heart like I feel music there. Music can lift my day, make me smile, make me laugh, make me angry, make me cry, make me remember, make me wish, make me believe. There's a burning in my chest when I imagine music surrounding me. I miss music. I miss singing. I miss making those emotions, making myself feel and making others feel. I want to listen to music so loud that I can't hear myself think. I want to lose myself in it. I want music to be a part of every day of my life. My second thought: I am young. I sort of started my 'adult' life differently than most people I know. I chose to have a family young instead of moving along with a career. I wondered for a long time whether or not I made the right decision. I now have no doubts that I chose the correct path for my life. While I struggled with "wasting" my education, I realized that I love being a mom, despite its challenges. I love Nate dearly and wouldn't change having him when I did for anything. I didn't waste my education--I graduated summa cum laude and learned that I love learning. I'll never lose my education and I'll have something to fall back on, heaven forbid, should I ever need it. I can always go back to school if I decide that that's something that would be good for me. I can always go back to work. Anyways, I'm young. Even though I'm 27 with a kindergartener, I am still only 27. I'm not middle-aged. I am in the prime of my life. I have plenty of years to have more babies or go back to school or work or ANYTHING. I have a lot of time left and lots left to do. My third thought: I love to read. This may not seem earth-shattering to anybody else, but for me it's a huge revelation. I remember that I used to love to read, but I don't remember why or when. Lately, I've fallen in love with books. I can't even count how many books I've read in the last few months. I devour them. I long to read when I'm taking Nate to school or cooking or doing anything else, really. I crave the characters and the story and the emotions. I fall into my books head first and don't come up for air until they're done. When I finish, I miss them--I miss the people I've gotten to know and the parts of their lives that I've been allowed to share. I think about them during the day, when I'm reminded of them by a song or person or experience. I find myself in a bad mood when my characters are struggling or sad. I am filled with their feelings, overcome by their emotions. How wonderful! How amazing. I am awe-struck by a book's ability to influence me. I am so happy to have found a way to escape, a way to lose myself somewhere other than my own life. Wow. My fourth thought: I believe in love. I believe in true love, soul-mates, meant-to-be, love. I believe in unrequited love. I believe that love is the strongest emotion I can feel. I believe that love trumps all. I believe that love can be enough, love is enough. There is a level of belonging, of feeling and connection, that only love reaches. That level descends beyond the deepest level of hell and reaches higher than the the farthest star, beyond death. Love can bring two people together when nothing else seems to. Love goes where nothing else will venture--Past hate, past age, past religion, past shoulds or should nots. I believe that love can be enough, always. That's it. Nothing crazy, just some thoughts that I need to know about, for, myself. I am continually surprised by how much I don't know about myself. I wonder if it takes everybody this long to figure things out. I think, though, for me, that I will live my life as a continual path of self-discovery. I hope so anyways.

twilight

WIERD!

Can I just say how strange it is to be a parent at the school I once attended?! Van Hise had it's open house tonight and it was super strange to have Nate showing me around the school, all the while realizing over and over again that I had been a student in the same classrooms! It's all the same (even some of the teachers), except that everything is miniature. The "huge" cafeteria is only 6 tables deep and the classrooms are tiny! For anybody who went to VHE, I had a lovely conversation with Ms. Koval, the PE teacher, tonight. How wierd that she's now Nate's teacher. Ahhh--I'm getting wierded out again. Freaky.

It's not you--It's her personality.

It's not you--It's her personality

My new mantra. Those of you who know me well, and actually those of you who don't, probably know that I have suffered from mental illness more times than I would like to count (or admit). Ironic isn't it? I know what you're all thinking. To my credit, though, I married him way before he turned into a Shrink. I digress... I've been suffering from Depression for almost 2 years straight now, with few breaks in the clouds. In trying to determine why I'm so screwed up (my words), I was asked (by my psychiatrist) to think of exactly what I was doing when I most recently crashed. Long story short: I was rejected by my daughter. Apparently I have some old war wounds that haven't quite healed. When Abbie rejects me (treats me like crap, chooses somebody else over me, refuses to say goodnight or hello or I love you even though she'll say it to Alan, etc.) it's like kicking me in the same knee that was repeatedly kicked in my past. When I think about her actions, my gut (and my head) say that she doesn't like me, she doesn't love me, she does these things to make me feel horrible and guilty. When the fog clears, though, I know that she's a strong-willed, opinionated, stubborn, independent 3 year old. She's only 3. When she's older, those traits will make her an amazing woman--They're just a little bit hard to handle right now. Hence, my new mantra. Abbie and I will clash, but if I can remember that she's not doing things to be mean, I will hopefully learn to not take things personally. She's not rejecting me when she wants to ride in somebody else's car; she just wants some adventure. When she refuses to tell me goodnight or let me give her a kiss, it's not because she's trying to make me feel bad (break my heart!)--She's just a punk sometimes. The sooner I can get this in my head AND in my heart, the sooner Abbie and I can get along. I need to let her ride her own wave through life, guiding her and keeping her safe (when I can), but realizing that her wave may be, no IS, very different from mine. Hopefully then, my skin will be thicker, my wounds not so fresh, and my ability to prevent myself from crashing better. I write this on my (public) blog for 2 reasons: 1. I now have a permanant record of this--A place I can find my footing when she kicks me off the path. 2. The ONLY reason I can come up with for this horrendous suffering--That my experience might help someone else through their trials and might make it a little bit less painful for others.

It's not you--It's her personality. She's not rejecting you--It's her personality. She's only 3.

Busy, Busy (with pictures)

Life has been crazy busy lately. I spent 6 days in Rhode Island visiting Rachel, Kris and their new baby, Ben. I was so happy to be able to go out and help (I think? :)) for a while. (I will devote a whole post to that as soon as I move the pictures from CD to our computer.) Even without traveling, I feel like I can't keep track of what I'm supposed to be doing! I actually broke down and bought a daily planner! I haven't used one of those since college. With Nate's schedule (remembering which days he can't wear sandals for gym, which days he has to return his library books, which days I volunteer, what day we bring snack, which week he's Child of the Week, PTO meetings, field trips, etc.) I feel like I have a whole new life. That doesn't even include getting up and ready, packing a lunch, dropping him off and picking him back up again every day (and early on Mondays)! Aside from all of that, there's the daily life with my ever-adventurous 3 year old, a house to keep tidy (I've given up on clean), decorating and getting ready for Halloween, Alan's schedule, and finding some time for myself! So if I've been out of touch, now you know why! Here are some pictures to give you an idea of what we've been so busy doing:

Walking the mall

Eagerly awaiting the new Batman toys in their Happy Meals

The Girls

Watching Jacob rock it out at his Preschool Bike-a-thon!

Mama Mia! Starring Abbie on drums and backup and Nate on lead vocals

Picking Apples!

Abbie and Sofia hanging out under the table while Michelle and I eat lunch (Can it get any better than that?)

Nick and Norah's Infinite Adventure

SEE IT!

(Liz, you'll love it!)

Go F*****!

Abbie walked, pushing Nate along in front of her, and saying: "Go Focker. Go Focker, go."

Earlier in the day, I overheard Abbie tell Nate, "Nate, I have lots of weapons." I told her that we don't play with weapons. As I walked away, she told Nate, "Nate, I have lots of things to strike stuff with." That's my girl.

A Good Mom Always Likes Her Kids and Other MYTHS

Check this out.

"I just wanted to make you laugh again." --Abbie

I came around the corner from the laundry room (yes, I'm actually doing laundry) and this is what I saw...

My Nate Is Growing Up

Here's Nate showing me what a super smile he gave for Picture Day

Last Friday AND today, Nate has gone to school and said goodbye without crying. What an achievement! Although the pride I felt for him last Friday caused me to cry, I was able to hold it until I got to the car. He's really growing up. Today Nate had to get 4 shots (Kindergarten shots). He was so brave--He only cried during the shots, and then stopped immediately after. He got to pick out 4 pencils and a sticker. After school today, Nate yelled to a friend from his class! "Tommy! Tommy!" I was so proud of him--That's the first time that I've seen him be outgoing on his own towards another kid from school. I'm so proud of my Nate. Is it normal to feel like you're losing your baby when they're only 5 years old? I thought that that was supposed to happen with they move away from home??? Anyways, YEA FOR NATE!

Pick Your Battles

Yes, that's Abbie. Yes, those are Batman socks. Yes, she's dressed for church. Yes, that's exactly what she wore to church yesterday. Oh Abbie, pink polka dots and Batman socks... Like I said, pick your battles... (Plus, I love that Abbie wants to wear pink polka dots and Batman socks. It's so Abbie. I also want to nourish the part of her that could care less what anybody else thinks.)

Lake Geneva and Abbie Touches an Ass

Notice that, in her sleep, Abbie has stolen all of Nate's blankies and made sure that all know that that is HER bed.

Told ya so

Nate was so close