Saturday, January 28, 2012
In the Spirit of Honesty
I've always been a big believer in being honest about motherhood. It's not all cuteness and giggles and love; it's hard, very hard. But I haven't been honest lately, not really. So here it comes, my confession--If you don't want to read my complaining, stop now.
I need sleep. I honestly believe that I am somehow wired differently than most, making me more susceptible to the effects of sleep deprivation. When Alan doesn't sleep, he gets tired. When I don't sleep (not just one night, but extended time periods of exhaustion), I turn into a monster. I go from happy and functioning to feeling like I'm living in a deep dark pit of hell. It's like a switch gets thrown in my head that leaves me feeling depressed, raging, anxious and hopeless. It's actually terrifying how bad things get.
When Noah was a newborn, Alan did a lot of the night work--I pumped and slept, while he gave Noah bottles through the night. I honestly believe that this arrangement is what kept me from getting PPD. Fast forward 7 months... Noah is not sleeping. This was our night on Thursday: Noah fell asleep at 7:30. He woke up at 9, 10:30, 11, 1, 2:30, 5, 6, 6:30. Waking up for Noah doesn't just mean stirring, nursing, getting a pacifier and falling back to sleep. It means stirring, waking, nursing, getting a pacifier and getting bounced around the house until he falls back to sleep. This can take anywhere from 15 minutes to 2 hours. Then there's the fact that this boy is attached to me. He is not content unless he is in my arms. If Alan takes him out of the room, he screams until I come to get him. If Alan tries to hold him after he nurses, he screams. So now I have a baby who not only doesn't sleep, but won't let anyone else care for him. That leaves me on the clock 24 HOURS A DAY. And with Alan working at least 60 hours a week, there's no respite during the day either. Suffice it to say I'm exhausted. And I have two other kids.
I love Noah more the anything in the world. He may be attached to me, but I am just as attached to him. We're like this little unit that only works when we're together. But now we're not really working anymore. He's tired, I'm tired and for the first time, I have felt upset with him. His fussing when I leave the room and his crying during the night is grating on me; that hasn't really happened before. Something has to change--He has to learn to sleep. We're trying some new ideas that my sister just used on her youngest and had good luck with. I tried to put him in his crib last night and not pick him up. I tried to just comfort him, but he was so sad, just sobbing. I couldn't do it. So I know that I can't really let him cry like that--I'm hopeful that my sister's ideas will make a difference without making him so upset. I know that there are people and babies that CIO work for, but it just doesn't feel right for us.
So there it is. Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in years. Even when we love our kids, even when they are everything we've ever wanted, we're still human. Sleep deprivation is real. There's a reason that the law mandates breaks during the day. There's a reason that medical residents have duty hour restrictions. Just because we're mothers doesn't mean that we are immune to the effects of fatigue, being overworked and exhaustion. And admitting that I'm having a very hard time with my baby doesn't mean I love him any less or that I'm not a good mom... I feel like I love Noah as much as any mother has ever loved her baby. And I hope that my admitting to this challenge will allow another mother somewhere to feel less guilt when she experiences something similar.
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Ugh, Emily I'm so sorry! I really don't think that I can take much credit for Scarlett sleeping through the night. She's always been a good nighttime sleeper (she was clocking in at least one four hour stretch at night even as a newborn). And she'd usually fall asleep while she was nursing so once she was about six weeks old I didn't have to rock her back to sleep anymore.
ReplyDeleteWhen she was around 4 months old she started waking up every two hours again, even though she didn't need to eat and we did end up doing CIO. It was the hardest thing ever the first two days, but after about five days she was going down pretty well herself and only waking up a couple of times to eat.
Up until her last dr's appointment she was getting up at 1:30 and somewhere between 4:30 and 5:30 to eat and the pediatrician told me to stop feeding her at night, because she didn't need it nutritionally, and let her learn to self-soothe when she woke up. I was all ready to come home and phase out the 1:30 feeding first when she came home and slept without waking up all night. So either she heard us talking or her immunizations wiped her out and those nights of extra tiredness got her to sleep through two nights, which just helped it become a habit. Mostly I give all those shots the credit.
She's not a very good napper though. I tried to do CIO with napping as well, and it kind of worked a little but the problem with naps is that is hard to stick to the same routine at the same times of day because different things are always going on. So for naps I have to nurse her and then lay down next to her for about ten minutes while she wiggles, chatters, gets bored, and then decides she might as well fall asleep. And then I sneak her into her crib.
I hope that it works out soon!
Wow, Emily, thanks for posting this. I really relate to what you are saying. I am wired the same way, but unfortunately I am not even as strong as you. One bad night and it's over for me. I seriously need a full night's sleep every night to function. At all. But I have a baby too. He used to sleep almost the whole night through, but now he is waking more. We are trying to get him to take a bottle so I can have a break at night, but so far he refuses to even suck on it. It is darling how attached he is to me too, but I am starting to feel a little smothered. Thanks again for posting this; somehow it helps just a little to know I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteHa! We both had really crappy days yesterday. But I win the prize because I called YOU and YOU never called me back- so you're fired. Ok, not really, but I do wish you would have unloaded Mr. Noah- it probably would have helped me in my self pity-ing funk to help you out. Big hugs to you too- but I probably won't get to talk to you tomorrow. I think I will stay home from church. I can tell I really need a break from everything right now if I'm going to function. But you are allowed to call me-- only to tell me when you're bringing Noah over. Really.
ReplyDelete6+ months is too long for anybody to not get enough sleep. I hope something works out. If not, put him in the basement, put in ear plugs, and let him figure out that Alan can be a soother too. I don't know what else to tell you except GOOD LUCK!!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for you honest post Emily. It does make me feel better in a lot of ways. Let me know if Abby and Nate ever want to come over and play beyblades with Kate. :( sorry and a big hug!
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