Living in 2012

2012. Wow. When I think about 1999, I think: 1999? Yeah, that was just a couple of years ago. But no--1999 was thirteen years ago. Oi.

I'm not sure when time started passing so quickly. How is my tiny new baby already more than a half a year old? It's funny how time passes, isn't it? When I look back, I can't figure out where it went. And yet during the passing, each long day (or night as we are currently experiencing), each long year of medical school and residency and fellowship, each moment spent waiting for the next to occur, can be its own eternity. I guess the old adage -Time flies when you're having fun- speaks volumes.

Sometimes I feel like we've spent the last (nearly) 8 years of our lives waiting. During the first two years of med school, we waited for the clinical rotations of 3rd year to start so that Alan could begin doing what he really wanted to do. During the 3rd year of med school, we waited for the 4th year, which we were assured wouldn't be nearly as bad a the 3rd year. During the 4th year, we waited to start Residency because then Alan would be a working doctor. During Intern year, we waited for the 2nd year of Residency--Surely it couldn't be as bad as Intern year. Then during 2nd year, we waited for 3rd year, which brought the end of overnight call. During 3rd year, we waited for the first year of Fellowship, believing (naively) that Fellowship must be better than Residency (it's not). And now, during the first year of Fellowship, we are anxiously awaiting July 1st, hoping (desperately) that the 2nd year of Fellowship will be better than this first year that we are experiencing now. And next year, I know that we will be counting the days to June 30, 2013 when Alan will finally be finished with his training and moving on to a real job that pays real money and a move than will hopefully have us settled for a long time. But then I know that there are Boards to pass, which truly leaves me wondering if we will ever just be. It's very difficult to live in the moment when the moments you live in can be so difficult--How can I not look forward to the day that my husband will be home more than away? But what kind of life are we actually living if we are just waiting for this part of life to pass?

During these first days of this new year, I am reminded that the only constant in my life right now is that time continues to pass. It doesn't matter if I'm savoring each moment or wishing my days away; time will go on. That is utterly terrifying and sweetly comforting, all at the same time. I'm not really a resolution-maker; I am entirely too hard on myself in the case that I fail. But I am a list-maker and I do like to make goals. (Goals don't eat you alive if you can't manage to get them done.) And so, for 2012, I find myself contemplating various goals... Hopes, if you will. I will write them down here so that, during those moments when the passage of time seems so out of my control, I might remind myself that there is a life to be lived right this very second.

Hopes for 2012

• 8 hours of continuous sleep
• Craft (I miss it so much when I can't find time for it)
• Exercise
• Continue losing weight
• Continue decluttering the house in preparation for our big move
• Go to the temple
• Spend more time playing with Nate and Abbie and Noah
• Study the scriptures with Alan
• Read at least 1 book/week
• Be a better example of charity
• Continue book club with Nate
• Clean up the house BEFORE going to bed each night
• Date Alan
• Regular Girls Night Outs
• Spend time each day removing the bitterness from my heart
• Smile. A lot. Especially when I don't want to.
• Support Alan, despite sometimes (ok, most of the time) resenting his job
• Spend less time judging and more time loving
• Take care of myself--Ask for help if I need it
• Improve my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior
• Keep in better touch with friends who are far away
• Be a better sister
• Attempt optimism on a daily basis
• Be more forgiving (of myself and those around me)
• Dream big, like I did as a child

Each of these hopes represents a struggle or a challenge, and a concrete to-do for those moments when I'm feeling lost in the passage of time. Here's to 2012 and living each moment to the fullest.